older, wiser, healthier, happier

Even before 101 posts in the rough and tumble world of internet blogging, I was a little rough around the edges if I needed to be after growing up in tough neighborhoods and going to some tough schools. I'm thin and interesting looking, I wear glasses, I converse intelligently and I think I release a pheromone that makes people want to huck BBQ sauce from their car windows or throw me down a flight of stairs. I don't have any enemies, it's just that people aren't ready to let the meek inherit the Earth just yet. I shrug it all off and move on, because I'm tough. I'm pretty useless in a fistfight and have been known to whimper if I stub my toe, I mean "of strong emotional fiber" tough, not Kimbo Slice tough.

Since I've decided on transitioning when you look at my blog or see me in real life, I come closer to a flower than a tree. I've always been femme, never with a lisp or flamboyant, but still feminine, before the word femme became common I was always just described as a wimp. Bowling has always been my favorite team sport, and a 2 mile-run is much more enjoyable than a pick-up football game. It sounds like I was a pretty big loser in high-school, but I was Homecoming-King senior year - I actually got more votes for Homecoming Queen, but they wouldn't let me be both. I was popular but it was still tough, High-School is traumatic for everyone regardless of social standing.

When I graduated, I moved downtown and lived totally independently and free, able to be a girl and live my life. What have I learned in the time that I've been free to express myself?

1.) Stop swearing so much - The cheapest and most effective way to get a laugh is throwing in swear words. Swearing puts me into a generally negative mood even though I rarely swear in anger, but my voice drops to a more masculine octave. Basically, It sounds silly when I swear as a girl, so I've cut that out... pretty much.

2.) Stand up straight - Slouching was a problem for me as a younger person, mostly from time spent on computers or because I constantly had to duck. I learned to get away from the Woody Allen hunched over cynic to a confident, tall California girl. Posture is everything!

3.) Body image = Confidence - People see me in various states of undress on the Internet pretty often, but at times in my life I didn't generally have an audience when I was in the buff. My confidence as a girl is very much linked to how much maintenance I've done on my body, particularly shaving. If I look down and see a hairy boy, I get bummed out because becoming a girl seems so far away.

4.) Sights, Smells, Toes, Fingers - I bought feminine glasses, the eyes are the first place I usually look on a person, I also started using/carrying body spray and strong women's deodorant and fruity hair product... it's hard to smell nice in the summer but I can try. A really nice pedicure costs about the same as a couple drinks at a bar and is a very satisfying experience, I totally recommend and most of the generic Asian nail places don't judge at all, money breaks all social barriers. The one last thing I need to do is to quit chewing my fingernails, it's a terrible habit and I've never really confronted it, but I'd be so much prettier with regular nails.

5.) Stop this burning rage!!! - Maybe it's the sunshine or life experiences, but I've learned to stop being so jealous. I try not to find faults in people who have succeeded more than me, girls that are already transitioning or happy couples, I was the Scrooge, humbugging happiness because I couldn't find it myself. I was just being a bitch, and preventing myself from doing what I really wanted to really do. I got a little older, smarter, and now I just smile.

That's some of all I've learned, and I still haven't perfected half of this stuff but I'm happy and content. I've turned more and more into the person I've always been since the blog started, thanks for coming along for the journey with me. I leave you with one of my first and favorite pics from my diapered days online.

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