A blog about turning into the person I've always been
Sunday, January 24, 2010
let me be you
A constant in my Middle School experience was getting rides from the neighbors down the street, the Beals as they will be addressed henceforth, their kids were the same age as my brother and I, and so we would carpool to school, we became good friends, if only for geographical reasons. There was a whole neighborhood of us kids, maybe 10 of us, from a wannabe firefighter who once had 9 monitors plugged in to play Microsoft Flight Simulator 2002, to the rowdier folks further down the block who hosted all the parties and filled our neighborhood with the sound of Harley's and Skynyrd.
On one occasion I came into the Beals home as I did every weekday morning, we usually had some cheerios and watched MTV for 20 mins while the little brother got ready, but this time I walked in and saw something that was very relevant to my interests, a big package of Depends guards for men in a bag by the kitchen. At this point I was very curious about diapers and all I knew is I really liked padded things. we were sitting there watching tapes of Liquid Television the Beal daughter, Sarah, would tape the night before and between each bite of the cereal I would sneak a peek at the package. I could see the little picture of the pad, and had worn maxi pads, but these looked soooo much bigger. I wanted to just go over there and look at them and play with them so much, but I just couldn't get the courage to do anything about it. The same exact thing happened about a month later with a package of goodnites, and that time I almost grabbed the package and just ran away to start a new life in the field by our house, I just wanted those diapers soooooo bad! I do remember one point we were all playing basketball and the littlest Beal was being a brat so Sarah and her older brother started calling him "bedwetter", and 10 year-olds are not experts at hiding shame, I felt bad, but I also kinda wanted to be a bed wetter too.
As I mentioned, the house at the end of the block was the party house, and every once in a while if my mom was working and my stepfather was too blackout drunk to parent, my brother and I would ride our banana boards down the street and meet up with our friends. Feeling like ewoks in a forest of drunk bikers, we would play outside and do kid stuff, sneak a beer and share it, street hockey, getting patronized to tell jokes etc. by adults. I remember one time we were all sitting on the driveway, the bulk of us, I had my arm around Sarah in a week attempt for human connection, Sarah later grew up to be an expert at patronizing and teasing, she's made many men come in their pants, myself being one of them (TWIRP dance 1999).
Anyway, we were all just sitting around, chatting or playing dominoes or something, she was sitting cross legged and wearing pink and yellow sweatpants. Probably the only thing I cared about in school was seeing panties, I never got caught looking, but I definitely sneaked a peek to see if I could see Sarah's panties on this occasion, or any occasion for that matter. I could see her little yellow undies poking out of her sweatpants, and the end of a very large pad sticking out a little bit further than the panties. that's one of the images thats ingrained in my mind forever, I could even see the little sticky strip, she must not have known really how to put one on, or was just using a really heavy one, or maybe had wetting issues? All these things mixed up in my mind, and by the time I knew it she was off somewhere else. It's a tattered old photograph in my memory, worn from pretending that I was in those little sweatpants and panties, needing a big pad myself. I try my best to not sound really creepy, but I'm going to risk it here... I want to feel innocent, I've always felt grown up, old, some would use jaded to describe how I've felt my entire life. Wearing diapers, regressing, feeling little, innocent fills this space that I've forgotten about, or maybe was never there. It makes me happy that I can feel this way, but it makes me damn the city, our society, our world for the exploitation and corruption innocence, I wonder how many people feel as empty as I have, but without a means to be full again.
I still run into the neighborhood kids now and then, I lived in that house for an interesting year of my life, I could write a book about that year alone. We did all get back together in 2004 to bury the neighborhood bully, an angry, violent latino kid, I remember seeing him get put into the cop car being sent off to Juvvy. A couple years later, he became a Jehovah's Witness and visited the same congregation that my grandfather did, the bully recognized the last name and apologized to my grandfather for being such an ass to me. He died shortly thereafter of "accidental suffocation", tangled up in a cot, everyone at the funeral knew what happened, no amount of makeup could hide the bruise around his neck.
Writing this much really makes a girl think... but I think I'm more confused now than when I started writing. My head feels heavy and I need to goto the sunday farmers market, which I'm late for, and re-file all these memories. More stuff soon, thanks for reading another sordid tale from the life and times of Riley Kilo :P
The regression you feel comes from deep within. Wanting to be the baby girl you never was. Starting life as a girl means a lot and playing out such a role brings great pleasure and a understanding of one self. The thought of wearing diapers and being changed when your diaper becomes wet or messy, bottle feed, are things that stimulate your thoughts of being a girl. I have many thoughts like that, one comes to mind is prom I so wanted to go to prom as a girl the simple thought of putting on a beautiful gown and all the preparation before hand shaving my legs, makeup, picking out a bra and panty , making sure I had a nice pair of pantyhose . All things we missed out on . Nothing wrong with day dreaming my dear and playing out some what if’s.
Cynicism and being generally jaded with the world, yup that's me (IMO the best fast track to Cynicism is working 3 years as a Sysadmin, though a number of my friends would swear I was born cynical) though my situation as a child was not terrible I still feel I grew up too quickly and I suspect this has a lot to do with my Infantilism.
I also remember playing with pads when I was in my early teens, I discovered they (or at least the ones I could get access to) didn't work very well as diapers ;oD
Name: Riley K. Home: United States About Me: I started this blog to share some of my life with my fellow AB/DL and transgendered people, and anybody else that wants to go outside the box a little bit. I live every day as a girl and I've been doing this blog for over 2 years! Read More
The regression you feel comes from deep within. Wanting to be the baby girl you never was. Starting life as a girl means a lot and playing out such a role brings great pleasure and a understanding of one self. The thought of wearing diapers and being changed when your diaper becomes wet or messy, bottle feed, are things that stimulate your thoughts of being a girl. I have many thoughts like that, one comes to mind is prom I so wanted to go to prom as a girl the simple thought of putting on a beautiful gown and all the preparation before hand shaving my legs, makeup, picking out a bra and panty , making sure I had a nice pair of pantyhose . All things we missed out on . Nothing wrong with day dreaming my dear and playing out some what if’s.
Have a great day
Hugs