A blog about turning into the person I've always been
Thursday, January 28, 2010
hearts and wallets
Hey there! Sorry for keeping you waiting, I've been scrambling to make rent this month and running all around town. I've sold my digital still camera and my big lovely monitor, I still had the receipt for this awful Logitech wireless keyboard mouse combo I bought for 30$ at Target a while back, it was the one thing I got rid of that I actually wanted to, the signal reach is literally 5 feet. I'm back with my wrist destroying but familiar giant keyboard and just a basic little optical mouse. When I returned the keyboard to my old Target, it was nice seeing the friends I made there, I was told I looked cute on multiple occasions by some of the girls there that were totally yougogirl! about my transition, which is always lovely, and it reminds me that I left with a good reputation and my head held high. I was always so afraid to be feminine at Target. Now that I'm not forced to be around the less than transfriendly Target employees, I'm just a girl shopping. I just wish they had a gender neutral restroom, I honestly liked working there, helping old people find stuff and I always surprised people with my "Techknowledge" (the name of my old company, catchy right?) The good thing is I'm less than a month away from my OSHA interview about Target, so hopefully I can raise some red flags for making family bathrooms standard in places like Target.
Anyway, this post is about a sex machine, that was given to me by a good friends girlfriend, we named it Bender because its a fun loving robot that likes to get down. I highly recommend you check out letsgetsrs.blogspot.com for the full story. Above is the short little video, the PG video, I probably seem a little different because I was pretty nervous about showing it off, I was always taught to keep my sex toys hidden away. I was giggly, excited, and a little embarrassed all at the same time, a silly little girl showing off her cool new toy. I may call it a "sex toy" but the one time I played with it, the line between "Bender" elaborate dildo and boyfriend blurred a bit.
From my summation, theres only 2 types of mechanical stuff thats involved in sex, i'm talking ore of the method than the device, using my machine as an example. I'd say its an even split between enjoying seeing/controlling the speed of someone getting used by a machine, the impersonal factor of a machine on a person seems to be an effective method of submission, pretty popular on many adult sites. This is with bondage sounds like heaven, I think the used slave roll is pretty hot but unfortunately I've only had access to the second kind of robo sex, which is somewhere between "I'm lonely and horny and want to imagine someones there with me" and "a new, complicated thing I can put in my bottom? Awesome!".
As I said, I tried it out, it was strange, and it ended up breaking it (we ended up breaking up?) right after making the video, I think I might be able to fix it, I'll be sure to ask you guys if I can't, but it sounds like a fun little project, getting the sex machine back working. I was really hoping to do something artsy with it, put a big hand on it and point to an event or something. Fortunately, there's a video of my first and only time with the machine on my private youtube (for donators and special friends only) and it came out a little... interesting, it was more of an experiment caught on tape than a sexy video I pretty much look and act like a virgin. I've been doing much more filming and editing, I generally just edit and upload anything interesting I shoot, and I shoot some pretty interesting stuff sometimes, including but not limited to wet and sometimes messy diapers, playing with my toys, both cuddly and sexual, bondage,
I think I'm a good girl, both RileyKilo.com and letsgetsrs.blogspot.com are and will always be ad free, I'll bring things up once in a while but only stuff I like, and always let me know if I've led you astray. I need some donations to literally pay rent this month, so like, within the next few days would be a great time to send a paypal donation, the link to my paypal is right under my profile on the top right of the site, it takes credit cards and it really easy to do, it helps me out so much.
I really thought I would be good this month, but I finally caved in and applied for unemployment, and its been a huge hassle since. I've never even considered unemployment as an option, I'm not saying it bad thing, a wise friend told me I payed taxes so I deserve it. I've worked since I was 15 and a half and the few times I was in between jobs I did PC consultation, mostly just teaching old ladies how to use computers and cleaning off spyware. I worked with friends, did promotion gigs, all short torm stuff just to make it month to month. I don't do the consultation too often these days, alot of Mac's around here and big firms for PC repair, I accepted that my little business had been crushed by the big man years ago. I do get a response now and then, but not since early December, christmas is tough, and I'm done home theater installation millions of times. I love riding my bike, but for long distances I'm a hitch-a-ride from friends kinda girl, public transportation around here is downright dangerous.
Unemployment was the only real option to me, most of the people I know in real life are struggling financially as well. Literally for the last 2 months I've been calling the unemployment office now and then everyday, trying to get home, until I eventually went to the office and told me to do it all over the phone. I was so angry because I had called and they said they'd send me letters with a appointment date, and the date was for March. Since then I've sent stuff back, letters, calls, emails, everything. I went into the EDD a couple days after getting the letter, and was told that to keep calling the phone line. So I've been doing that non-stop, I have skype so I can call over and over again, and its ALWAYS busy, its ridiculous. Since I've gone in, its almost turned ugly, because a lady read off of what she said was the official sattement that I did not make a strong enough effort to stay with the organization... they just dont get it, and once I talk to another person who can actually do something about it, I'll be able to explain my situation.
I still buy all my own food and stuff, and get alot of stuff from my neighbor who works at an organic farm much more legitimate than the one I've worked at. I don't think I could ever go on EBT, or food stamps, but I just haven't done it yet, I feel like thats the worse case scenario, and I'm not there yet, It has to do everything with my mom going through her whole adult life without gov. assistance, taking care of my brother and I on her own, with checks and help from Dad now and then. Of course, my childhood would have probably been cooler if we had more money, but pride is pride, I kinda feel the same way, but some people do need assistance, and some good people I know have used it when needed, then went onto normal, decent paying Many times I've gone to unemployment or the welfare office (where I worked intake for about 6 months) and thought about signing up, I just never have, I've just chickened out and now that I'm actually at a point where I'm having a really hard time getting hired and NEED unemployment, I get a big read DENIED stamp
I know that everything is getting better soon, I'm going to be posting more stuff as often as I can... oh wow, as I was writing this post, at 10:22 PST I was called and offered a job an establishment I applied at a few weeks ago, a job I was very excited about. It's not a huge money-making job, but it's doing something i'm good at and enjoy doing, at a very cool, hip, place. It looks like I'll be able to have a steadier income after all, I am bouncing off the wall right now happy. It's so funny, I've been pouring my guts out, pleading for you help, and right before I post, someone calls and saves the day. I have training tomorrow night, and I start on Saturday... amazing! I do really need some nice looking feminine attire, I have a couple cute outfits, but I really want to impress these people, where I'm going to be starting is a pretty swanky place, I don't really want to give away any info for fear of anything jeopardizing it, but it's minimum + tips, in a transfriendly environment from what I've seen, it'll be nice to get more into the public light, as I mentioned, I miss customer service! Oh, and the bathroom set-up gets the Riley stamp of approval, no more potty drama! I still will be diapered at work, but most likely will stay dry during my shifts, I love diapers, but I also love being able to financially support myself.... oooooo sooooo excited!
Unfortunately, I'm not going to get paid for weeks, so paypal donations are still accepted and desperately needed!If you're curious what you get with your donation, just E-mail me, but it comes down to the more you donate, the more you get... videos, private requests, the too-hot-for-youtube stuff. I also have a private webcam so I can do shows or whatever you'd like this cute little girl to do, you know how playful I can be. If you really want to get a hold of me, donating is the best way to catch this little girls eye, and I'm always chatting, sending new stuff and making videos with my "inner circles" ideas. Keep checking back for more stuff, and if you can send a donation, please do! This little girl needs a helping hand right now, things are going to be better than ever once I get over this little unemployment hump and back to work, but until then I'm hoping someone out there can afford to help me get closer to being the bright, shiny and successful woman I know I can be!
Wish me luck for training tomorrow, and I think I'm in such a good mode I might dig up some extra cute pics for this Happy Day... oh, and I'm still in diapers 24/7, and very wet girl right now :)
Oh, and much love to my readers! If you read this post in its entirety all I can say is...
1st off, remember that movie End of Days? In the beginning Arnold Schwarzenegger puts whiskey and pizza and antacids and all this gross stuff into a blender and drinks it for breakfast... that was the only good part of that movie as far as I remember.
2nd off, I'm not stopping the 24/7 thing, or anything like that, I just want to stop starting all my posts with a "Day 34" or "Day 1,087" or whatever. If you want to figure out how long I've been in diapers, just count from Dec. 4th, hormones would be from July 15th. I was thinking of doing it backwards, pretend to be avant garde like Chuck Palahniuk by starting at Day 365 and counting down, do a "year in diapers" thing, but why be so bound to the calender like that, I'ts not like I'm going to level-up and be able to wear power diapers or magically become incontinent and I'm definitely not going to stop wearing diapers after a year... I'm not Morgan Spurlock.
I didn't really do much the last couple days, did a couple job interviews, I was in didees the whole time, its starting to feel so routine. One thing I was afraid of when starting this was just boring you with the day ins and outs, but my life is somewhat interesting, and even if something cool doesn't happen, I can still use this as a platform to share and express anything I want. I also need to focus more on my other blog, LetsGetSRS.blogspot.com and the blog on MistressTrainsHerSissy.com, Penny posts great content on there all the time and I need to be more active, its a really fun blog.
Until further notice, I will be diapered, and I'll mark anniversaries, and talk about anything that comes to mind in my diapered life, and all sorts of bloggy stuff. It's been a whole 2 weeks, and life is still very lovely, Christmas has its iron fist grasping everyones hearts and minds, and I might even be getting a little into the spirit myself. Thanks for reading and stay diapered, I will be :)
My biggest fear since I started wearing diapers is the dreaded diaper rash. When I was younger I never really got any, especially because I was careful and I barely wore them enough to actually get a rash. When I first started, I was more likely to wet a pair of my underwear and then jump into the shower. Eventually I became brave enough to wear panties, I would wet those whenever I could, in secret of course, and I over time built up the courage to get diapers, but for quite some time I never even wet in them. The past times i've started going 247 one of the main things that made me give up my diapers was rashes. I'd like to share with you some of the tactics I use to keep myself rash free for the last week two weeks are so. Baby Powder, Baby Powder, Baby Powder! Baby powder is cheap, somewhat natural, great smelling, and a necessary part of any adult baby diaper bag or nursery. At every change, even if I don't think I'm going to wet, I use tons of baby powder. It's good for your skin and keeps you from sweating, which can happen in any weather, especially if you're wearing plastic backed diapers or thick plastic panties. The main reason I always use it is because I just love it, I am brave about smelling like it and I really just love the feeling of baby powder. I generally use the kind that uses aloe and vitamin E, which we usually get from the sun so unless you're a nudist or a flasher, might wanna check that out. Another trick I do, is if I've been in a wet didee for a while, and wet it again, I'll just put more powder in the front and the back. The other main reason why powder rocks, is even though it can be trouble when wearing black, it's much easier to apply in discrete situations than cremes and you don't have to spend 5 minutes washing petroleum off of your hands and have that nursing home smell. Lots of girls wear baby powder deodorant and lots of guys use talc to keep from sweating, even outside of diapers. Landfills As you know I've been wearing these cheapo American Tena's in small they really last only two wettings at the most, but they're comfy cotton and have tapes and kinda feel like modern baby diapers. It's funny, I google image searched "Tena Small Briefs" and this is one of the first results - *Pic is Down* Not the best pic of me, just a random screen cap from a you tube video, its funny how stuff gets around... Maybe five months ago I found someone on craig's list selling a ton of them, I purchased maybe 12 packs for 30$ or something crazy like that. I go through 3 or 4 of these a day, and I only have 3 packs left of those. The positive side is this means constant diaper changes and constant re-powdering and a fresh dry diaper on my bottom more often then a soggy one. The downside is that I'm making tons of waste and I'll need to buy more didees soon. All I Need Is The Air That I Breathe Air is one of the best things that you can put on your skin especially if it's covered up all the time by a bulky nappy. Diaper changes area good chance to air out, but thats not enough, I always make sure to spend at least an hour a day out of didees! In the Bath Though I'm not a total hippie about it, but in the bath I generally use all natural products, Dr. Bronner's is a really good value and is great at cleaning, doesn't leave residue and its made to be diluted. I also really like the Huggies Lavender Body Wash and Shampoo, I've started using that instead of bronners, but thats just me getting more baby-ish I guess :) I don't really like Baby Oil or anything that feels like it stays with you after a shower. When I bathe it's generally preparation for what lotions I'm going to put on afterwards, more of a cleanse. I usually let myself air out for awhile and then get all lotioned up, I'll tell you more about what I use in the future. As for my diaper area, if i'm not going to wear my next diaper for long I'll just generally powder up and be on my way. If I'm getting into a bulkier diaper I generally use a diaper rash cream, I prefer A+D for extended stays or Desitin Creamy, just don't get Max Strength Desitin, it smells like fishies.
Changes If I'm in a very soggy diaper and I need a change, I generally start with patting myself down with a hand towel, they're small and easy to wash, everyone 24/7 should have a bunch. You can get really soft ones cheap, they're good for one or 2 changes usually, just make sure to wash them with sensitive detergents. I occasionally use baby wipes, but it seems that every time I use them it makes things worse, maybe its the alcohol, but I've even used the sensitive-care huggies kind, which I would guess would be the best, I'm just afraid to use them. The ones specifically for incontinence don't seem to work as well either, I just need to expirament more with different brands and using them even if i'm afraid of a rash, be a brave girl, take that chance! I'll be talking more about this as more diapered days pass, it's been almost 2 weeks and I'm doing good, skins healthy, lets keep it that way :) Subscribe in a reader
Wow, I slept ALLLL day yesterday, cleaned the house, ran errands, just wore diapers all day, nothing big happened, wore like 5 tenas. Today I woke up at 7 or so, I'm an early riser, theres something in me that makes me wake up at 7 or 8 every morning. When I wake I do this stretch with my feet while laying down where I push out the heels and arch back the toes to relieve stress in the calf muscle. It was so satisfying that I wet my diapers right there, I was lying on my back and I didn't leak, and the comfy-ness of the wet cloth made me feel all smiley and happy, I fell right back asleep. I woke up around 10 in a still warm cloth didee, it was nice :) My ex-boyfriend, the college professor, the one person I've ever given the boyfriend title to, but in public I was generally introduced as his daughter... He used to call me his little furnace, I guess I emit alot of heat, enough to keep a wet diaper warm or contempt for a long-dead relationship.
Sorry, I ran into him tonight at a local film scene mixer, I pretty much just avoid him, he says how good I look and I give him a hug, he sneaks a kiss, and thats it, we return to our separate schmoozes.I didn't dress terribly cute tonight, I was tired and all the faces are familiar, half the room knows me from when I was doing the Tower training videos, aka - 'back in the day'. I wore a Tranquility ATN Small under a pink polo and a black and pink skirt, flats, some blush and eye shadow and a tiny bit of gloss. I was going to leave and meet some friends from the trip at a hookah bar, but my ex handed me a glass of champagne and asked if I wanted to join him outside for one of his imported cigarettes. He knows I don't drink or smoke anymore, but I've been going to the mixer for 8 years, and cuddling up at night with him for 5 of them, its easy to break rules with old friends.
We went out onto the balcony of the Sheraton, it was windy and cold and the pool was covered and furniture stacked. We talked, or rather, he talked, as it often ended up, he always had something to say to either argue or trump whatever you said. I started feeling lightheaded from the cigarette, and I got a little closer to him, for warmth... right? I didn't know what I was doing, but I am a pretty lonely girl, and he was my only one, my mentor, my friend and confidante. I really loved him, but I know we'll never be together again, I just wanted to be close to him again for a minute, that old familiar sting. Things got quiet and I put my head on his chest, his hand found itself on the small of my back, moving me a little closer. His hold moved a little further down, I was looking in his eyes and could tell the exact moment when he realized I was diapered, one of the points of contention in our relationship. We exchange looks, first his excitement to have his arms around his girl again, then a look of disdain over feeling a plastic diaper instead of a little pair of panties, my look changed to a cute/embarressed "well, you know I wear diapers" look, which illicited this response...
"To be honest, I thought you would have grown out of that by now"
I squeeze him hard for just a moment, the kind of hugs we used to give each other, and then I look him in the eyes and say with every ounce of dissapointment in my body, "oh Nathan..." He knows I'm sensitive about my diapers and can be nervous wearing them around him, and i feel extra bad if he talks down to me about them, because he just thinks they're gross and it makes me feel like a pervert. Also, I hate when people think saying "To be honest" before something makes saying something rude ok... grrrrr....
I toss out my champagne into a bush, and walk back inside, leaving him to finish his cigarette, alone and cold without all those shiny happy people to tell him how great he is, then call him a pedo and a bore behind his back. I've always wanted to keep it real, my real self, and never make compromises, and with him I always felt like the bottom line, meaning of life, it wasn't growing and learning for him, it was about amassing control, power, but deep down here's as afraid as the rest of us, maybe even more. All in all, I've been to the mountains and to the big city all in a couple days, the city has much better hors d'oeuvre but the mountains doesn't need lights or makeup, and its harder to get your heart broken.
*12/18 - this post is a little cuter than I thought it would be, so "beyond thunderdome" doesn't really fit it, but don't worry, more bad jokes in future posts.
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Dec. 12th, 2009
I'm back from the wilderness, I wasn't eaten by a bear and nobody drank the kool-aid, it's very good to be back to my bed. I made my room immaculate when I left, and coming home to it was just wonderful, it smelled like baby-powder and looked like my own little nursery, a big warm hug waiting for me. I said hello to my bear and took a shower, got into a footy sleeper and here I am.
The trip wasn't terribly eventful, saw everything, helped build domes, big drum circle at night. I could bore you with all my views and a analysis of commune living and the progressive movement as a whole, but instead, I want to tell you about a snowflake I met :)
As I anticipated, it was cooooold up there. as we say here in California, "hella" layers all the time. We saw little patches of ice on the drive, but no snow, I was definitely getting excited. The first night went by quick, I was car-lagged and stuffed myself on pita bread and hummus, I've seriously eaten a gallon of hummus in the last 72 hours. The next day we got up early and just built domes, they're easy to build, they fabricate everything on the grounds so its pretty hard to mess up. I've always been kinda nervous about heights but being small I can climb up and do the top joints easier. I was kinda afraid at first, but the ground is pretty soft there and noone there would be so mean as to throw a big red ball at me as soon as I got to the top.
We were just finishing one when it got into the late afternoon and the cold started to really kick in. There's tons of trees so the air stands still. I'm sitting on top of this great big dome, easily 20 feet in the air, and I hear a girl holler "Riley... Look!", and before I can see the flakes, one comes up and kisses me right on the nose. I look all around me and see tiny bits of frozen confetti falling down around me. I took off my gloves to feel the prickly snow on my fingers, and I stuck my tounge out and tasted the icy bits of fluff. I felt like I was sitting on top of a snowglobe, I had escaped the bits of plastic that I always imagined were snow, only to find out that the outside world is just as filled with snowflakes... but they're real :)
And then, that was it, a little hello from the weather. No more snow the entire trip, but for that moment it was something very good, and It made this little girls holidays. We had a big dinner and worked all day today, I'm happy to be home again. I know a bunch of awful stuff seems to happen to me all the time, but life is good, it has and always will be. I'm going to get all snuggled up with my bear and a paci and a Molicare I've been saving for when I need extra cuddles.
To all the babies, mommies, daddies, trans and diapered folks out there, or any other person passionate enough to venture out and find this little corner of the world, I hope life gives you a little extra love this holiday <3
I was yanked out of a dream I can't remember at 7 this morning, my phone ringing loudly right next to my head, I always leave my phone on in case of family/friend emergencies. A really obnoxious techno track started playing on my phone, I only turn the sounds on at night, cell phones drive me nuts sometimes, especially if I'm trying to get a cup of coffee and clown behind the counter are texting away. I have a good amount of friends and contacts, I just don't need to keep in contact with them 24/7. All this texting/tweeting stuff is cheapening human life quite a bit, but really, human life was pretty cheap to begin with. On the other hand, I can honestly say that I have been emotionally moved by a tweet, which I guess proves that there is some good to this level of communication, plus how would I keep in touch with all you lovely folks :)
So my phone rings, my diaper is dry, I answer it and my friend, DP as he will be addressed henceforth, asked if I was down to do some work this weekend, and I both groggily and excitedly agreed. My friend is mentioned in this post, he's been a pretty profound effect on my life, and we've gone somewhat different paths. When we first met we were exploring the world and our minds, we've taken mushrooms quite a few times together, experiences that I can attribute to a better understanding of the world and maybe a little bit of brain death. I don't recommend everyone try mushrooms, but seeing the world through that looking glass undeniably opens your mind. I haven't done mushrooms since the Bush administration, I learned all I could from "tripping out" and have no desire to re-experience any of that madness.
DP is the head-instigator for a alternative energy commune in the Shasta mountains of California. They're building a massive solar oven and experimenting with algea as a source of fuel, really avant-garde stuff, the place is filled with folks from Berkeley/Santa Cruz and all over California, and some coming as far as Ontario and New Zealand, scientists, engineers, belly dancers, shoeless hippies, stoned philosophers, and me. Most of the grunt work is done by Woofers but every once in a while they need an extra hand, the food is always really good, the pay is minimal but DP has helped me out in many ways over the years, it's the least I could do.
The last few times I've been up there its been a little warmer weather, I hope it doesn't snow, all the habitats are geodesic domes covered in canvas and the "leave no trace" rule is very much in effect, so everything is heated by wood fire or cuddling. Keep in mind, its the adult in me that says I don't want it to snow, but the little girl in me really wants to see snow for her first time... yes, I've never seen snow, theres a picture of me making a snowman when I was like 3 years old, but I don't have any clear memories, so this might be my first time if it keeps as cold as it has been.
I do spend quite a bit of my time working on the PC's (computer knowledge around a bunch of Woofers is priceless) in the somewhat out of place McMansion they built, but the work usually entails building more of the domes for various purposes. There's an aspect of roughing it though, my friends satellite phone is pretty much the only means of communication outside of a town about 30 mins away that thankfully has a wifi connection. It's funny that class even exists in this kind of environment, I've slept in one of the nicer domes and shower/shave in the house, just because I'm better connected and have skills outside of your average Alexander Supertramp.
I'm packing my suitcase, taking pretty much every sweater I own, 2 bambinos for nighttime and a bag of Tenas to wear during the day, and my pink clothie with plastic panties. I'm leaving my cincy bear behind because I don't want him to get dirty, but I know i'm going to miss him. I also have on one of my last Abri-Forms for the 4 hour drive, DP has heated seats so I'll have a very warm bottom for the trip! Everyone up there either knows me already, mostly as a diapered, transgendered blogger/videographer. If they didn't already, word gets around quick, and everyone is super-ok with my kinky self, this is the kind of place where freak flags are flown. There's supposed to be quite a few more people there now so I hope I still get a warm reception. I still will be diapered all the time, I talked to my friend and he told me there would be a means to dispose of my dirty diapers, an embarrassing question that I had to ask, probably the first big lump in my throat since I started wearing diapers indefinitely.
I will leave you now, I'll be back on the 12th of this month, but you wont even know I'm gone, i'll post this and then whatever I write when I get back at roughly the same time. If all goes well, i'll be going to bed in a comfy cloth diaper after 9 days of constant diapers. Hopefully all the natural living won't make me forget how lovely the internet and plastic backed didees are : )
**p.s. sorry about the lack of visual media on here, look forward to more videos and pictures when I get back!
**p.p.s - yes, my next post is going to be called "beyond thunderdome"
Hey there! I didn't mean to get too down with that last post, it takes me a day to get over something like that usually, and its been at least 30 hours, I'm a tough girl :)
I went to bed last night pretty frustrated, I didnt want to put on a clothie, just a goodnite girls sleepshort, which aren't terribly good, but I like the feeling of them when there wet and they are easy to put on if you don't want to really get into baby-space. I woke up dry, and I did something that I don't do often enough, but for my own reasons... I worked out.
Let's back up a second. I finally set-up a Dr's appointment for Friday the 11th. I'll be getting blood test results and hopefully Progesterone, a testosterone blocker, generally called Spiro, the next step in my Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT). If you're just tuning in, I've been on Estrogen since July 15th 2009, a relatively low dose, but I've definitely experienced some changes. If you're completely new to this whole HRT thing, here's the quick Dr. Grant from Jurassic Park explanation... Men have lots of T and women have lots of E... I naturally pump out T and have been taking E, Spiro blocks T, so I just get E, and my body starts doing all the lovely things that happens to a growing girl, a laundry list of changes that will make me more physically and in ways mentally female, including fat redistribution, less body hair, skin becomes softer, I could go on for days. Check here for more detailed descriptions of the effects, I'm sure I'll go into them in detail in the future, first-hand. It's also a diuretic, and has been known to be a mean one.. luckily I'm diapered 24/7 :)
I'm SUUUUPER excited! This is going to be the next most awesome step in my life, and will make my transition that much more significant, i'll be taking 3 pills a day. One of the things that I'm most excited about is finally starting a more serious fitness regimine. I generally ride my bike or run most mornings to burn of any Peanut Butter Twix Bars I may have consumed the night before. It's never been serious, serious enough to keep thin but not really fit, I don't do it all the time and for a pretty good reason. I'm so skinny that if I started working out today I could get ripped really quickly, something I don't want to do, I like flexibility and speed, not mass. Once I start the more hardcore hormone therapy, my bodies going to react differently to exercise. Ideally, I'll stay lean and wont bulk up if stick with cardio and stretches/pilates and my hormone regime. I've found some videos online, flirty girl fitness and some beginner yoga stuff, I'm new to doing this in any sort of organized manner, so we'll be learning together!
I'll be talking more about my fitness plan, and how to deal with diapers for the active individual, Its been a pretty uneventful day for diapers, I've worn maybe 4 Tenas all day, I've had a lot on my mind and the diapers are just a constant... Other than a little rash worries, its all been very, very good :)
I'm steaming right now... I've got some serious tranny rage building up, I want to go throw a brick through the window of the CDG offices.
Actually, lets get the diaper stuff out of the way... I did leak this morning, I went to bed in my other clothie, the purple one from this video, I wanted to wear something cute and fun, I was in a good mood. It has a waterproof cover, so I didn't wear plastic panties, but I totally should have. I woke up and really needed to wet, and "tested" the diaper by wetting while laying on my back holding my bear. Needless to say, I soaked myself and leaked onto my sheets. Yet another diaper that goes into the "play" pile of diapers that I can't trust. I put on a Bambino to make myself feel better :)
Still in a Bambino, I get all layered up to go out into the cold and have lunch with my mom and brother. I told them about the job interview and they were excited, I told them they'd call back by 1 and we met at around noon. At around 1:10 I started to feel pretty nervous, and I think my family lost a little faith in me. At this point I was thinking maybe I missed the call or something, but I was really optimistic about this job. I came home and called them, at maybe 1:30. The conversation went something like this.
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*ring ring*
Riley: "Hi there, this is *my name*, I came in for a job interview yesterday and I was told I would recieve a call back by 1, I was on the phone quite a bit this morning (lie) so I'm afraid I might have missed it."
Receptionist: "uhmmm... We always schedule second interviews immediately following your first interview"
Riley: "I was told they call back for the second interview"
Receptionist: "I don't know who or why someone told you that"
Riley: "....well I'm very interested in the position, I would love the opportunity to prove I'd be a good addition to your organization, I'm experienced and hihgly motivated"
Receptionist: "If they didn't schedule a 2nd appointment, then you can Re-Apply in 30 days for the position"
Riley: "Really? Is there anyway I could maybe speak with my interviewer? I'd like to know where I could improve"
(this space is filled with about 5 minutes of me convincing her to get off her ass and go find my resume, she was jerking me around saying she didn't know who did the interview and couldnt find out, but c'mon, they only interview 2 people at once every hour, I knew she could find out something)
Receptionist: (coming back from hold) "I have your Resume here, let me look at the notes. Here it is, it says you have low tones and don't speak very clearly."
Riley: "Excuse me? Low tones?"
Receptionist: "thats what it says so if you'll just call back in 30 days you'll be able to try again"
Riley: "Ok, your interviewer took one look at my drivers liscense and decided to not hire me, How is low tones even a negative thing? This is a clear discrimination issue and I plan to conta-"
Receptionist: "You have the right to do whatever you want"
*click*
diiiiallllltooooneeeee
------------
I'm really glad I had a pillow right next to me, I screamed into my pillow and felt really helpless, I'm better now, but I still feel really out-of-place, I can't even get the easiest job in the world. The interview took maybe 3 minutes tops, it seems less like an interview and more a way to weed out undesirables, basically the opposite of affirmative action. They probably figured I would be nothing but trouble in a masculine environment, all the managers I could see were men, and the team was chanting "GET MONEY" at one point. Low tones is a clear jab at my gender orientation, I spoke in my usual, cute voice, and read the script perfectly, no stutters, nothing.
I'm just disappointed, I don't want to start applying for jobs as a guy, but thats what its about to come down to. That would be a huge step backwards in my life, I'm hopefully going to be starting the next step in hormones by this weekend, and my breasts are growing to the point where I look silly as a guy. It's hard not to feel like I've made the wrong decision, that I've turned myself into an unhireable being (I really wanted to use the word monster or freak here, but lets not be overly dramatic) and having a disadvantage in the job market is not fun when you're trying to make ends meet all on your own in a city getting rocked by the recession.
I did some research on this company before I went to the interview, and I found this Rip-Off report, I just ignored it in my optimism... seems like a pretty corrupt group. Its funny and sad at the same time going back to yesterdays post, I'm not going to post any of this stuff until after a week of being diapered, so you'll probably read this and the previous post at the same time, its strange to see me so happy about something I'm so angry about now, I was so psyched yesterday for this job, and now i'm the opposite, I was floating and now I'm crushed. I'm going to wear this bambino until its so soaked that I can't hardly walk while watching Ma Via En Rose, a movie about a little boy who thinks and acts like a little girl, its supposed to be uplifting. More stuff tomorrow.
Dec. 16th -----------------------
I did call the local transgender law center, just haven't heard back from anyone yet, damn holidays :(
Last night was cool, the art thingy I mentioned in the last post went well, my friend got some good exposure, I didn't wet my diaper until I got home, and had to change immediatly, The ATN's are really absorbant, but they really flood quickly, at least the small does, but the small is SMALL.
The main thought I had on that event last night was something I've mentioned before, and its hugs. If you felt my bottom, or even my side, you could tell I was padded, and that used to scare me so much, that someone would feel that and get creeped out by me. That's so silly, primarily because when I hug my friends, especially an acquaintance, its not a feel party, and it all happens so quick that no one would actually, really notice, and if they did their minds wouldn't jump to diaper. I guess part of growing up is learning that some of your insecurities were just pointless.
Anyway, I changed out of the ATN, relaxed with my friends for a bit and went off to bed in my clothie. Woke up dry, my roomate ran the heater so I was a little sweaty, I'm not used to plastic pants. I went through a bambino for most of the morning until I had to go out, but it lasted a good 5 hours. I'm hoping to do some of that geodesic dome building/farming situation I've done in the past at some point later this week, but I'm not sure when, it's freezing here, It was supposed to snow here, which is totally rare. I'm just going to goto bed tonight all fluffy and diapered and get up and get all pretty to go out for job hunting tomorrow :)
Enveloped in dry comfy cloth is how I woke up this morning, nothing eventful today really, went through a bunch of those small tenas, maybe 5 or so, I have a bunch of them, but I kinda need to slow down my consumption, but they also dont really hold much... i think i drink too much water maybe.
A good friend is having some photos hung at an art gallery, I used to see noise musicians there it at an event called audio waffle, where they play ambient noise music all day and eat waffles. I got all dressed up, put on my best hipster artist get-up and my grimy old pumas and I'm ready to go chat it up with some downtown artist types. It should be good, I put on a small tranqulity ATN, its slim enough to fit under my jeans but I still definitly know I'm wearing a didee :)
I'll let ya know how it went, this is my first Saturday diapered, I'm sure I'll come out with my social life intact :)
In this post I mentioned that I was starting to go 24/7. It's been 10 days and dozens of diapers and I'm still padded and confident that diapers are for me. I apologize for waiting this long to post any update of my "progress", I didn't want to get myself excited and over confident, and then back out a week in. I'll be catching up with current posts, I've been writing a diary since I started, this is my entry for Dec. 4th, my first day in diapers...
Dec 4th, 2009--------------
I woke up in a dry diaper, good sign, it was nice waking up in something I didnt have to immediatly change/wash, I woke up and changed out of my pretty pink clothie that Tommy made for me, I took a nice warm shower, dried off before the cold could get to me. I put some A+D ointment on my smooth diaper area, and put on a Small Tranquility ATN. I really did it up for this diapering, its usually just a quick thing when I diaper myself, but I got out my Paci, and cuddled with my bear and put my diaper on just right, it feels so right and makes me really happy to be a crinkly padded girl :)
All little girls need to grow up, I slipped a pair of jeans over my small diaper, this would be a picture of me in a small ATN, they fit me pretty close and have held some really heavy wettings before, but once they're wet they need to be changed pretty quickly, sitting down will get you in trouble and they're risky under a pair of size 3 jeans. I went out, breaking rule #1 of true 24/7-ism, I ran some errands and didn't have any tea that morning so I didn't feel a great need to wet until I returned hours later to my apartment, where I got the hand on the door syndrome. When I get home or near home, or even the promise of a close-by restroom, I often realize I need to go, a lot. I came inside and put my things down, I wanted to get out of my pants before I soaked them, but I really needed to go... so I wet, and leaked. I grabbed an absorbent puppy pad thingy to stand on and wet my jeans with my head down, sucking my thumb.
I undressed and hopped in the shower, dissapointed in myself that I leaked so early, pretty disheartened by the whole experience, I was having a nice afternoon before that and it kinda got me down. I'll have to get used to accidents, and my confidence was quickly re-instated by another very cuddly diaper change. I recently put colorful animals all around my bed so my room has a real cutesy look to it now, just a few wall appliqués sure make a girl feel special. I spent some time cleaning up the house in a depend, something that is comfy and makes me happy but would only really wear around the house, depends count as play diapers. When I did the kitchen, the running water made me wet, and I was in the depend for not very long. I changed into a Tena and went out for the evening, yet again not totally prepared to wet, but at least still diapered.
I came home late, while I was brushing my teeth and washing off my make-up I wet my Tena, but I was wearing tights and a wool turtleneck dress so I wasn't worried about leaking. I'm occasionally event staff for a local venue, I'm lucky to get 2 shifts a month but when I do I get to dress up all pretty and schmooze with Sacramento's finest, and I could really use the money right now. I'm about to goto bed, I feel girly and clean and refreshed, all ready for bed, I changed out of the wet Tena and put back on the cloth diaper I didn't wet last night, I put more powder on even though it was already really powdery, I smell and feel really pretty right now.
It's been a long day, and I didn't really feel like it was that big of a deal, but I always kept a change with me in case i wanted to wet, I think I was a good diapered girl, I get a star for today! Do I think I'll stay diapered tomorrow? For sure, I'm totally motivated and I guess you wouldn't be reading this if I didn't go through with it. Ni Ni and heres to my first diapered day :)
This post is to help clarify some parts of my experience that I feel need clarification.
As most of you know, starting the morning of Dec. 4th, I decided that from now on I'm going to be diapered. It's generally called 'going 24/7' in the ABDL community, and it's pretty much the holy grail for folks like us, to always smell slightly of baby powder and have a constantly padded bottom. But nary has a little one who quest for the grail stayed in diapers forever, and some noble diapered folks have a similar but different quest, to become incontinent, but ay, this is not my quest. Sorry, I'll cut out the Monty Python talk; this is supposed to be about clarity.
I'm not exactly trying to become incontinent. I've tried in the past, I get that desire to feel totally out-of-control of my wetting, to be a little bed wetter and to NEED diapers. I've read guides on how to do it, and followed them to a T, until I eventually get overwhelmed by all of the make-believe stress of that kind of lifestyle. My bodies going through a lot of changes right now and diapers are part of that, they help me stay focused, feel girly and keep all of my boy parts hidden away, being incontinent is part of that, but it's not a requirement. I still dream of being incontinent, but for now I just need to get comfortable with always being diapered, and then move onto following the rules. These are the rules that I would need to follow to start my real journey to incontinence; I feel these are vital in attempting that... I present Rules, and how I've broken them.
Rule 1.) If you are in diapers, you MUST be able to wet them with confidence.
This is the most important and toughest rule. Especially with the hormones, I'm starting to blossom both emotionally and physically, and I kind of want to be able to put on a tight pair of jeans or a cute but short skirt and go out with friends and not have to worry about changes and wearing something bulky enough where it can stand wettings, it's nice to be able to show off now and then. In these 'formal' situations, job interviews, family gatherings, anytime where leaking wouldn't just be embarrassing, but devastating as well. I'll still be diapered at these times but generally nothing bigger than a goodnite or a small ATN or even just a little girl pull-up, I generally call them either protection diapers (ones I feel comfortable in) or play diapers (panties with a little padding). So basically, I'm in diapers 24/7, I just sometimes wear things that I can't wet with confidence.
Rule 2.) If you have to wet, wet, regardless of anything.
Like any good list, Rules 1&2 parallel each other, this just basically means that once you're in the 24/7 mindset, the second you get the signal in your brain that you might need to wet, just let it happen. Don't force it or anything, just don't let your reflexes keep you from wetting. This is the way to truly train your body to get used to wetting, and when I hold it in I feel I'm taking a step back in training my body to getting used to diapers. This is probably the strictest rule, because it means that if you are out of diapers for any reason, you have to wet, this means peeing on the floor if you haven't diapered up yet, or wetting a diaper that's about to leak because4 you haven't had a chance to change yet, this is generally why public accidents happen to the 24/7. How am I ignoring this rule? I haven't taught my body to get into a pattern of wetting, my bladder still fills up then asks me if I want to void, as opposed to a bladder that's used to always wetting on the first sign, one that never fills all the way and therefore has shrunk, it just fills a little then voids, so I never have to worry about flooding my diapers, the leading cause of leaks. As I mentioned in Rule 1, I'm also not always properly diapered, so I'm not going to wet on first impulse if I'm just in a goodnite and out and about, I need to further my conditioning if I'm going to follow this rule.
Rule 3.) Put away/sell/burn all of your non-diaper friendly clothes and undies
This rule is oftentimes the one people regret the most in following, the idea is to put on a bulky diaper and then put on all of your clothes and if it doesn't fit or hide the diaper well enough, lose it. It's a statement that diapers are it from now on, and why have clothes that you can't wear? As I mentioned before, I still do like dressing sexy and formal here and there, so this is out of the question. On the other hand, next time I do go shopping I'll be sure to wear a decent sized diaper when I try on bottoms so I don't buy something that makes diapers impossible. I'm pretty thin and don't have much of a posterior, and a smaller but still protective diaper can def round out my bottom. Just think since Diapers are my underwear, and a pretty pink pull-up diaper is like a sexy piece of lingerie and my granny panties are the big bulkier plain diapers. As an added note, a pair of kids' pull-ups works better at hiding my boy parts better than any gaff or tape or anything!
These are the big 3 rules for going incontinent, and as you can tell, I'm going 24/7-lite. I'm not messing my diapers, I get an enema once a week and that's it for messing, that's just too much for me and I doubt that there will ever be a point in my life where I will want to lose control of that aspect of my continence, that's a bit much. I'm getting used to always being in diapers, and these rules might someday be things I follow 100%, I'm following the rules whenever I can, which probably comes to 70% of the time.
All in All, I'm not dedicating myself to a life of incontinence until I'm in a place in my life that is conducive to that and have decided its right for me, which might not ever happen. For now, I'm getting used to being in diapers indefinitely, both mentally and physically, and I'm glad I have someone to share it with. Thanks for reading and stay diapered; I promise I will too :)
Name: Riley K. Home: United States About Me: I started this blog to share some of my life with my fellow AB/DL and transgendered people, and anybody else that wants to go outside the box a little bit. I live every day as a girl and I've been doing this blog for over 2 years! Read More
