A blog about turning into the person I've always been
Thursday, December 03, 2009
i need a hug
This morning I woke up shivering.
The world I woke to was cold and wet, my comforter, sheets, nightshirt and ego fell pray to a leaky diaper, and I quickly realized I had wet the bed again. I cuddled with my pillow for a second, shivering and vulnerable, it's been cold the last few nights, and my apartment doesn't keep heat well. I didn't drink a abnormal amount of water, no alcohol, not even my usual chamomile tea. I que'd up some futurama episodes and curled up on my bed, I was wearing my pink nightshirt and a little princess pull-up, I was feeling very girly (look below for a pic of my bedtime attire). Me and my bear fell asleep above the crinkle of my bedwetting sheets, cuddled up in my big warm comforter... only to wake up wet and cold.
I goto bed diapered every night, but that doesn't mean I goto bed protected. As I've mentionioned before, I've had a ton of trouble finding a diaper that works for side-sleepers, and so wearing a diaper to bed usually ends in a leak, and summertime I couldn't wear big-bulky diapers to bed. I've wet the bed maybe 10 times this year, only 1 of those times I could possibly attribute my "accident" to Pabst Blue Ribbon, and one to cold medicine, but those shouldn't guarantee me wetting the bed, I don't think Nyquil would sell as well if "bedwetting" was in the side-effects. All the other times were just random, me sleeping through wetting. I also occasionally goto bed in an already wet diaper, and woken up with an even wetter one, so who knows how many times i've actually wet the bed.
I've had a couple ideas about how to manage my bedwetting, and I'm going to have to be more responsible about this. I have a bedwetting sheet, I've switched beds since I got it, so it fits, just not very well. I was never really confident in it, even when it was on a proper size bed it would leak through the material into the matress, which kind-of defeats the purpose. I love the crinkles of it, but it hardly works, and even if it doesn't leak through to the mattress, I still have to lug everything down to the laundromat... ugh.
If i'm going to feel safe at night, I have to wear the right kind of diapers. Goodnites, or any pull-up for that matter, doesn't hold enough/fit right for bedwetting. I've leaked many Depends, and the Small Tenas I usually wear during the day aren't bulky enough to really hold up. So I'm pretty much stuck with Bambinos, ABU's, Abri-Forms, Tranquilities, Molicare and maybe some of the bulkier Attends, or foreign Tenas. As many of you know, these diapers aren't cheap, so I can't really afford to put on a brand new "premium" diaper everynight just in case I wet.
Luckily, I just realized that I could just wrap myself up in a comfy cloth diaper every night, wear plastic panties over it in case I leak and just take it off in the morning. I only have 2 cloth didees, so the downside is once I'm in them, I can't really wet or else I'm stuck without a diaper until I do laundry, which itself is pretty darn expensive. If I'm diapered, I dont like to restrict myself from wetting, but I also don't want to keep waking up wet, cold and soaked.
I've come to realize that the reason why I leak is that my bodies not in a good wetting pattern, it builds up as I sleep then releases all at once, soaking the diaper. I wear diapers during the day pretty often, but not 24/7, due to the constant diaper changes I have to deal with with the Small Tenas I wear and I have a somewhat limited supply of diapers at the moment, but mostly because I haven't committed to 24/7... but I think it might be time to do so. I've gone 24/7 in the past, and its been wonderful, but never for more than 3 weeks or so. I also don't have a desire to go 24/7 wet and messy, due to roommate courtesy and that just really isnt my thing right now. I also am not really setting out to be incontinent, I just think being in diapers all the time is whats best for me. As an added note, the next step in hormones for my transition, Spiro, is a diuretic so I'm going to be peeing more often than I ever have, another point for diapers.
I asked Mistress Penny about this, and her answer just makes me more confident this is right for me. She said that when I'm diapered, I have a different way about me, I act more confident, secure, I have a healthy glow about me when i know I'm safe, comfy and diapered. She also was a little disappointed at how little I wear these days, she knows that little girls like me need their diapers, and there isn't any reason why I should always have a padded bottom. Mistress Penny is going to help me stay consistent, we're going to work out some rules and punishments for me to follow. As her sissy I do whatever she says and having a dominant force over me, especially one so experienced in keeping girls like me diapered, is definitly going to help me adjust and get through the difficult times, the leaks, embarrassment, and the overall mental adjustment it takes to realize that I'm in diapers for good.
So starting today, I've been a little upset and out of diapers for most of the day, but I'm going to try the cloth diaper thing tonight, and get together all my diapers in an orderly fashion, head to Target and pick up some more diaper rash cream and cloth stuffers, and I'll start tomorrow morning refreshed, the first diapered day of the rest of my diapered life.
I guess the whole purpose of this post is to explain why I likebondage.
I'm not a fetishist in the sense that I don't NEED anything to enjoy romance/sex. Most of the sex I've ever had has been vanilla, all of the ''relationships'' I've been in have been with people much less kinky than my very kinky self. Before coming out about being transgendered and AB/DL, I dated more than I do these days. I go months without sex, I'm relatively happy by myself, sexually and mentally. I do get lonely.
That's not what this post is about, this is about how much I like being tied up. I at one point was a strong practitioner of Self Bondage but have somewhat lost interest in that. It's lost the thrill after I've done it enough times, and it's kinda hard to take it seriously. I've used some tactics such as freezing keys in ice cubes and using combination locks in a dark room, so I have to wait for the sun comes up to unlock my bounded self. It's fun, but without a partner it does get a bit boring. Adding diapers to the equation makes it much more interesting...
I think many of us who share the same "interests" or "kinks" as I do (bondage, AB/DL etc) fantasize about not having control, especially when it comes to using our diapers. Ideally this would be achieved through a 24/7 diaper regiment and tons of dedication. For those of us that have not attempted, failed, or are currently going through that process, bondage can be a lovely alternative. Though I don't have hardly any experience with experienced partners, the times I have been tied up have been amazing. I love the helpless feeling, the attention, the mystery of whats going to happen next, and the relaxing feeling of an utter lack of responsibility.
I generally use the term "SubSpace" to describe this feeling, its like a mix of riding your bike down a big hill and falling asleep with a teddy bear in your arms. I cried a bit to myself when I was first tied up by another person, diapered in my crib, but it was just a little whimper and made me feel better. I'm blessed with a vivid imagination, and when I'm bound or even just in little girl mode I can kinda astral project to watch myself, and seeing myself this way only solidifies the subspace I'm in. I don't have to be bound, just the right attire or setting can trigger this meditative state. As far as I can tell, this is as close as a person as skeptical and, dare I say, nihilistic, as myself can get to actually meditating, even breaching on the transcendental. I'm not a total nihilist, I'm a sunny-side up nihilist, there are no absolutes and everything is subjective, but as a society and as individuals we should learn all we can, have a great time and be damn sure not to take advantage of anyone. It's this mindset that allows me to explore both ends of the spectrum, both pain and pleasure, fear and comfort, love and loneliness. The hurt makes the healing, and vice-versa.
This is a recollection of my past experiences with bondage, training and humiliation. Thanks for looking back with me, now it's time to look forward. I've been playing around, testing the waters, and now it's time for some real experiences.
I get tons of E-mail, and I'd have to say that a good chunk of it mentions that I don't post enough. I feel kinda embarrassed by my material sometimes and I want to always show off my good side, I've been accused of being too critical of myself in the past. One person that I always have admired for her persistence in updating her diaper diary is Penny from PamperedPenny.com. Her posts are always the cutest, and she so open about her thoughts, wants and passions. I feel like such a amateur in her presence, respect and admiration is a key part in trusting and submitting yourself to someone.
Expect to see more and more of me soon, and I'll be posting a Best Of Internet link list for all my favorite AB sites, so if you have a link you want me to take a look at, let me know!
Name: Riley K. Home: United States About Me: I started this blog to share some of my life with my fellow AB/DL and transgendered people, and anybody else that wants to go outside the box a little bit. I live every day as a girl and I've been doing this blog for over 2 years! Read More
