A blog about turning into the person I've always been
Thursday, January 28, 2010
hearts and wallets
Hey there! Sorry for keeping you waiting, I've been scrambling to make rent this month and running all around town. I've sold my digital still camera and my big lovely monitor, I still had the receipt for this awful Logitech wireless keyboard mouse combo I bought for 30$ at Target a while back, it was the one thing I got rid of that I actually wanted to, the signal reach is literally 5 feet. I'm back with my wrist destroying but familiar giant keyboard and just a basic little optical mouse. When I returned the keyboard to my old Target, it was nice seeing the friends I made there, I was told I looked cute on multiple occasions by some of the girls there that were totally yougogirl! about my transition, which is always lovely, and it reminds me that I left with a good reputation and my head held high. I was always so afraid to be feminine at Target. Now that I'm not forced to be around the less than transfriendly Target employees, I'm just a girl shopping. I just wish they had a gender neutral restroom, I honestly liked working there, helping old people find stuff and I always surprised people with my "Techknowledge" (the name of my old company, catchy right?) The good thing is I'm less than a month away from my OSHA interview about Target, so hopefully I can raise some red flags for making family bathrooms standard in places like Target.
Anyway, this post is about a sex machine, that was given to me by a good friends girlfriend, we named it Bender because its a fun loving robot that likes to get down. I highly recommend you check out letsgetsrs.blogspot.com for the full story. Above is the short little video, the PG video, I probably seem a little different because I was pretty nervous about showing it off, I was always taught to keep my sex toys hidden away. I was giggly, excited, and a little embarrassed all at the same time, a silly little girl showing off her cool new toy. I may call it a "sex toy" but the one time I played with it, the line between "Bender" elaborate dildo and boyfriend blurred a bit.
From my summation, theres only 2 types of mechanical stuff thats involved in sex, i'm talking ore of the method than the device, using my machine as an example. I'd say its an even split between enjoying seeing/controlling the speed of someone getting used by a machine, the impersonal factor of a machine on a person seems to be an effective method of submission, pretty popular on many adult sites. This is with bondage sounds like heaven, I think the used slave roll is pretty hot but unfortunately I've only had access to the second kind of robo sex, which is somewhere between "I'm lonely and horny and want to imagine someones there with me" and "a new, complicated thing I can put in my bottom? Awesome!".
As I said, I tried it out, it was strange, and it ended up breaking it (we ended up breaking up?) right after making the video, I think I might be able to fix it, I'll be sure to ask you guys if I can't, but it sounds like a fun little project, getting the sex machine back working. I was really hoping to do something artsy with it, put a big hand on it and point to an event or something. Fortunately, there's a video of my first and only time with the machine on my private youtube (for donators and special friends only) and it came out a little... interesting, it was more of an experiment caught on tape than a sexy video I pretty much look and act like a virgin. I've been doing much more filming and editing, I generally just edit and upload anything interesting I shoot, and I shoot some pretty interesting stuff sometimes, including but not limited to wet and sometimes messy diapers, playing with my toys, both cuddly and sexual, bondage,
I think I'm a good girl, both RileyKilo.com and letsgetsrs.blogspot.com are and will always be ad free, I'll bring things up once in a while but only stuff I like, and always let me know if I've led you astray. I need some donations to literally pay rent this month, so like, within the next few days would be a great time to send a paypal donation, the link to my paypal is right under my profile on the top right of the site, it takes credit cards and it really easy to do, it helps me out so much.
I really thought I would be good this month, but I finally caved in and applied for unemployment, and its been a huge hassle since. I've never even considered unemployment as an option, I'm not saying it bad thing, a wise friend told me I payed taxes so I deserve it. I've worked since I was 15 and a half and the few times I was in between jobs I did PC consultation, mostly just teaching old ladies how to use computers and cleaning off spyware. I worked with friends, did promotion gigs, all short torm stuff just to make it month to month. I don't do the consultation too often these days, alot of Mac's around here and big firms for PC repair, I accepted that my little business had been crushed by the big man years ago. I do get a response now and then, but not since early December, christmas is tough, and I'm done home theater installation millions of times. I love riding my bike, but for long distances I'm a hitch-a-ride from friends kinda girl, public transportation around here is downright dangerous.
Unemployment was the only real option to me, most of the people I know in real life are struggling financially as well. Literally for the last 2 months I've been calling the unemployment office now and then everyday, trying to get home, until I eventually went to the office and told me to do it all over the phone. I was so angry because I had called and they said they'd send me letters with a appointment date, and the date was for March. Since then I've sent stuff back, letters, calls, emails, everything. I went into the EDD a couple days after getting the letter, and was told that to keep calling the phone line. So I've been doing that non-stop, I have skype so I can call over and over again, and its ALWAYS busy, its ridiculous. Since I've gone in, its almost turned ugly, because a lady read off of what she said was the official sattement that I did not make a strong enough effort to stay with the organization... they just dont get it, and once I talk to another person who can actually do something about it, I'll be able to explain my situation.
I still buy all my own food and stuff, and get alot of stuff from my neighbor who works at an organic farm much more legitimate than the one I've worked at. I don't think I could ever go on EBT, or food stamps, but I just haven't done it yet, I feel like thats the worse case scenario, and I'm not there yet, It has to do everything with my mom going through her whole adult life without gov. assistance, taking care of my brother and I on her own, with checks and help from Dad now and then. Of course, my childhood would have probably been cooler if we had more money, but pride is pride, I kinda feel the same way, but some people do need assistance, and some good people I know have used it when needed, then went onto normal, decent paying Many times I've gone to unemployment or the welfare office (where I worked intake for about 6 months) and thought about signing up, I just never have, I've just chickened out and now that I'm actually at a point where I'm having a really hard time getting hired and NEED unemployment, I get a big read DENIED stamp
I know that everything is getting better soon, I'm going to be posting more stuff as often as I can... oh wow, as I was writing this post, at 10:22 PST I was called and offered a job an establishment I applied at a few weeks ago, a job I was very excited about. It's not a huge money-making job, but it's doing something i'm good at and enjoy doing, at a very cool, hip, place. It looks like I'll be able to have a steadier income after all, I am bouncing off the wall right now happy. It's so funny, I've been pouring my guts out, pleading for you help, and right before I post, someone calls and saves the day. I have training tomorrow night, and I start on Saturday... amazing! I do really need some nice looking feminine attire, I have a couple cute outfits, but I really want to impress these people, where I'm going to be starting is a pretty swanky place, I don't really want to give away any info for fear of anything jeopardizing it, but it's minimum + tips, in a transfriendly environment from what I've seen, it'll be nice to get more into the public light, as I mentioned, I miss customer service! Oh, and the bathroom set-up gets the Riley stamp of approval, no more potty drama! I still will be diapered at work, but most likely will stay dry during my shifts, I love diapers, but I also love being able to financially support myself.... oooooo sooooo excited!
Unfortunately, I'm not going to get paid for weeks, so paypal donations are still accepted and desperately needed!If you're curious what you get with your donation, just E-mail me, but it comes down to the more you donate, the more you get... videos, private requests, the too-hot-for-youtube stuff. I also have a private webcam so I can do shows or whatever you'd like this cute little girl to do, you know how playful I can be. If you really want to get a hold of me, donating is the best way to catch this little girls eye, and I'm always chatting, sending new stuff and making videos with my "inner circles" ideas. Keep checking back for more stuff, and if you can send a donation, please do! This little girl needs a helping hand right now, things are going to be better than ever once I get over this little unemployment hump and back to work, but until then I'm hoping someone out there can afford to help me get closer to being the bright, shiny and successful woman I know I can be!
Wish me luck for training tomorrow, and I think I'm in such a good mode I might dig up some extra cute pics for this Happy Day... oh, and I'm still in diapers 24/7, and very wet girl right now :)
Oh, and much love to my readers! If you read this post in its entirety all I can say is...
This post is about paying people to do things to your body that you would probably have trouble getting your friends to do for free... and no, it's not about 'that'... it's about Salons!
A couple times in my life I've visited salons, always little Asian places, usually a little bit away from my home. Before I had the uncanny ability to not care, I used to think it would be embarrassing to be seen getting a pedicure. Not from a trans-girl perspective but more from a dental work perspective... it's hard to explain, I just don't like being seen having "work done", I feel like I'm being caught with my chassis open. Anyway, I've been to a couple when I could afford it, always just have gotten a pedicure and went on my way, the paints worn off and my feet have grown back... I'm a runner, I should take better care of my feet!
This time I plan to actually keep a better eye on my feet... but this post isn't about feet horror, it's about face horror. I went in and got a pedicure at a place I've never been to before, its the closest to my house so I was hoping to frequent it. Pedicure was nice and long, felt good afterwards and the place was completely empty. The lady there barely spoke english, just enough to get instructions and ask me a question about what happened to Brittany Murphy, apparently I was interrupting her magazine reading. I said I'd come back to do my eyebrows, which I did a couple days later. This was the first time having my eyebrows waxed, I was nervous but excited to get rid of these damn Eugene Levy caterpillars. She took me to the back room, without really saying anything had me lay down, poured hot lava on my face and tore it off, no 123go or words exchanged whatsoever. Just in case you're wondering, it hurts, it hurts bad, I squeaked pretty bad a couple times. but the pain goes away pretty quick. 5 minutes after I lay down, she has me look in the mirror and my eyes are all red and puffy but my brows look more normal, she's got a chart from the 80's with all these different brows on it, mine looked more like the feminine ones... so success?
Nope, like always, life reverts back to fail. My face felt a little sticky (insert joke here) so I asked her if there was some way to take care of that, and again without words she squirts out what looks, smells and felt like handsanitizer and rubs it above my right eye. It stuuung, I was pretty close to grabbing her wrist and pulling her hand away, but I thought she might know best, and we were all alone in the salon too so grabbing this tiny Asian lady would probably be a bad call. It's kinda weird being around such a small person, this woman was 4'10'' at most and probably weighed 80 lbs, I felt like a giant at 5'7'' and 120 lbs whereas I usually feel small around people, most of my friends are bigger than me, I'm usually the little delicate flower... maybe after the Estrogen I can start taking Asian hormones.
Racist comments aside, the conclusion of this story is I have a huge rash on the right side of my face, all around my eye. After the hand sanitizer thing I gave her my 10$ and left, went home and took a shower just as fast as I could. My face felt puffy, I lived the rest of my day out and went to bed feeling awfully girly with my new eyebrows. I woke up and looked in the mirror the next day and almost started crying, I was going to take a picture but forget that, I'm trying to look good, I don't have that much humility. It seriously looks like I tried to eat a piece of pizza with my eyesocket, its sensitive and burny and hurts. Of course, the side that didn't have alcohol put on it immediately after being waxed is fine, it actually looks pretty good, I feel like Harvey fucking Dent right now, half of me is pretty and the other half is melting off, it's not that bad, but still.
Old testosterone Riley would probably have gone into that salon like gangbusters and tried to get my money back, or at least told her not to use that stuff anymore for cleaning off wax, but I'm just going to eat this one and never goto that salon again. I'm going to find out if theres lotions specifically for your face, I use a cleanser, but not lotion, I guess I should get some anyway. Anyway, my face hurts, this post is negative and overtly racist so I'm going to wait until after the holidays to post this, when it's easier to get away with being those things. Hope all is well in the diapered world, and hopefully by the time I post this, my face will be all cute again :)
Hey there diapered friends! It's Christmas eve, its chilly outside but I'm all cuddled in my pampers and cute little skirt and sockies. I'm going to my friends "Margarita Xmas Eve", then seeing Avatar with my Mom tommorrow morning. I got a little christmas happiness by way of shadiness today, about 3 months ago I broke my glasses on a flight to Cincinatti, and they've been all messed up and taped together, making me look pretty foolish. As a christmas gift to myself, I scrape together my rainy day fund and goto lenscrafters to get new frames. We search all over for them, and we finally find them, but they carry a 169$ price tag, just for the frames. I was hoping they'd be cheaper, and didn't have enough to get them... I was really bummed out, knowing that I'd have to suffer with these headache causing bastards until I could afford that ridiculous price.
The girl who was helping me, we were chatting quite a bit while looking for them and we got along pretty well, when I told her I couldn't afford them, I could tell she felt bad but I was surprised when she took me aside and told me that she would just buy them with her employee discount, and then put my lenses in on her break. I'm cautious, questioning the legality of it, she's young and tells me that her mom just recently died and shes taking care of her 2 little sisters for their first christmas without a mom. She tells me to meet her at the starbucks in 10, I stand there outside looking scandolous, like i'm in a Lou Reed song. She taps me on the shoulder, we sit down and I can see her hands shaking like shes got the fear of god in her while she puts my lenses in. I hand her 80$ cash under the table, thank her, and we go out seperate ways. I don't know if she pocketed them, or actually used her discount, all I know is I probably bought a barbie or 2 for a family thats just trying to get by, and thats what the seasons about... right? I also think that being diapered gives me just the overall pleasantness feeling that other people pick up on, they can just tell that I'm a nice person :)
The main thing I wanted to say in this post, is I've set a before new years resolution to answer allllll my emails by 2010, so if you've sent me an email at protectionblog at gmail over the past few years, I'll get to it. If you've sent a message to another email address or to my facebook/youtube, I've probably lost it, I'm doing some major re-organizing. I hope everyones having a happy day, and make sure to leave some molicares out for santa, I heard he likes them the best :)
Wow, I slept ALLLL day yesterday, cleaned the house, ran errands, just wore diapers all day, nothing big happened, wore like 5 tenas. Today I woke up at 7 or so, I'm an early riser, theres something in me that makes me wake up at 7 or 8 every morning. When I wake I do this stretch with my feet while laying down where I push out the heels and arch back the toes to relieve stress in the calf muscle. It was so satisfying that I wet my diapers right there, I was lying on my back and I didn't leak, and the comfy-ness of the wet cloth made me feel all smiley and happy, I fell right back asleep. I woke up around 10 in a still warm cloth didee, it was nice :) My ex-boyfriend, the college professor, the one person I've ever given the boyfriend title to, but in public I was generally introduced as his daughter... He used to call me his little furnace, I guess I emit alot of heat, enough to keep a wet diaper warm or contempt for a long-dead relationship.
Sorry, I ran into him tonight at a local film scene mixer, I pretty much just avoid him, he says how good I look and I give him a hug, he sneaks a kiss, and thats it, we return to our separate schmoozes.I didn't dress terribly cute tonight, I was tired and all the faces are familiar, half the room knows me from when I was doing the Tower training videos, aka - 'back in the day'. I wore a Tranquility ATN Small under a pink polo and a black and pink skirt, flats, some blush and eye shadow and a tiny bit of gloss. I was going to leave and meet some friends from the trip at a hookah bar, but my ex handed me a glass of champagne and asked if I wanted to join him outside for one of his imported cigarettes. He knows I don't drink or smoke anymore, but I've been going to the mixer for 8 years, and cuddling up at night with him for 5 of them, its easy to break rules with old friends.
We went out onto the balcony of the Sheraton, it was windy and cold and the pool was covered and furniture stacked. We talked, or rather, he talked, as it often ended up, he always had something to say to either argue or trump whatever you said. I started feeling lightheaded from the cigarette, and I got a little closer to him, for warmth... right? I didn't know what I was doing, but I am a pretty lonely girl, and he was my only one, my mentor, my friend and confidante. I really loved him, but I know we'll never be together again, I just wanted to be close to him again for a minute, that old familiar sting. Things got quiet and I put my head on his chest, his hand found itself on the small of my back, moving me a little closer. His hold moved a little further down, I was looking in his eyes and could tell the exact moment when he realized I was diapered, one of the points of contention in our relationship. We exchange looks, first his excitement to have his arms around his girl again, then a look of disdain over feeling a plastic diaper instead of a little pair of panties, my look changed to a cute/embarressed "well, you know I wear diapers" look, which illicited this response...
"To be honest, I thought you would have grown out of that by now"
I squeeze him hard for just a moment, the kind of hugs we used to give each other, and then I look him in the eyes and say with every ounce of dissapointment in my body, "oh Nathan..." He knows I'm sensitive about my diapers and can be nervous wearing them around him, and i feel extra bad if he talks down to me about them, because he just thinks they're gross and it makes me feel like a pervert. Also, I hate when people think saying "To be honest" before something makes saying something rude ok... grrrrr....
I toss out my champagne into a bush, and walk back inside, leaving him to finish his cigarette, alone and cold without all those shiny happy people to tell him how great he is, then call him a pedo and a bore behind his back. I've always wanted to keep it real, my real self, and never make compromises, and with him I always felt like the bottom line, meaning of life, it wasn't growing and learning for him, it was about amassing control, power, but deep down here's as afraid as the rest of us, maybe even more. All in all, I've been to the mountains and to the big city all in a couple days, the city has much better hors d'oeuvre but the mountains doesn't need lights or makeup, and its harder to get your heart broken.
*12/18 - this post is a little cuter than I thought it would be, so "beyond thunderdome" doesn't really fit it, but don't worry, more bad jokes in future posts.
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Dec. 12th, 2009
I'm back from the wilderness, I wasn't eaten by a bear and nobody drank the kool-aid, it's very good to be back to my bed. I made my room immaculate when I left, and coming home to it was just wonderful, it smelled like baby-powder and looked like my own little nursery, a big warm hug waiting for me. I said hello to my bear and took a shower, got into a footy sleeper and here I am.
The trip wasn't terribly eventful, saw everything, helped build domes, big drum circle at night. I could bore you with all my views and a analysis of commune living and the progressive movement as a whole, but instead, I want to tell you about a snowflake I met :)
As I anticipated, it was cooooold up there. as we say here in California, "hella" layers all the time. We saw little patches of ice on the drive, but no snow, I was definitely getting excited. The first night went by quick, I was car-lagged and stuffed myself on pita bread and hummus, I've seriously eaten a gallon of hummus in the last 72 hours. The next day we got up early and just built domes, they're easy to build, they fabricate everything on the grounds so its pretty hard to mess up. I've always been kinda nervous about heights but being small I can climb up and do the top joints easier. I was kinda afraid at first, but the ground is pretty soft there and noone there would be so mean as to throw a big red ball at me as soon as I got to the top.
We were just finishing one when it got into the late afternoon and the cold started to really kick in. There's tons of trees so the air stands still. I'm sitting on top of this great big dome, easily 20 feet in the air, and I hear a girl holler "Riley... Look!", and before I can see the flakes, one comes up and kisses me right on the nose. I look all around me and see tiny bits of frozen confetti falling down around me. I took off my gloves to feel the prickly snow on my fingers, and I stuck my tounge out and tasted the icy bits of fluff. I felt like I was sitting on top of a snowglobe, I had escaped the bits of plastic that I always imagined were snow, only to find out that the outside world is just as filled with snowflakes... but they're real :)
And then, that was it, a little hello from the weather. No more snow the entire trip, but for that moment it was something very good, and It made this little girls holidays. We had a big dinner and worked all day today, I'm happy to be home again. I know a bunch of awful stuff seems to happen to me all the time, but life is good, it has and always will be. I'm going to get all snuggled up with my bear and a paci and a Molicare I've been saving for when I need extra cuddles.
To all the babies, mommies, daddies, trans and diapered folks out there, or any other person passionate enough to venture out and find this little corner of the world, I hope life gives you a little extra love this holiday <3
I was yanked out of a dream I can't remember at 7 this morning, my phone ringing loudly right next to my head, I always leave my phone on in case of family/friend emergencies. A really obnoxious techno track started playing on my phone, I only turn the sounds on at night, cell phones drive me nuts sometimes, especially if I'm trying to get a cup of coffee and clown behind the counter are texting away. I have a good amount of friends and contacts, I just don't need to keep in contact with them 24/7. All this texting/tweeting stuff is cheapening human life quite a bit, but really, human life was pretty cheap to begin with. On the other hand, I can honestly say that I have been emotionally moved by a tweet, which I guess proves that there is some good to this level of communication, plus how would I keep in touch with all you lovely folks :)
So my phone rings, my diaper is dry, I answer it and my friend, DP as he will be addressed henceforth, asked if I was down to do some work this weekend, and I both groggily and excitedly agreed. My friend is mentioned in this post, he's been a pretty profound effect on my life, and we've gone somewhat different paths. When we first met we were exploring the world and our minds, we've taken mushrooms quite a few times together, experiences that I can attribute to a better understanding of the world and maybe a little bit of brain death. I don't recommend everyone try mushrooms, but seeing the world through that looking glass undeniably opens your mind. I haven't done mushrooms since the Bush administration, I learned all I could from "tripping out" and have no desire to re-experience any of that madness.
DP is the head-instigator for a alternative energy commune in the Shasta mountains of California. They're building a massive solar oven and experimenting with algea as a source of fuel, really avant-garde stuff, the place is filled with folks from Berkeley/Santa Cruz and all over California, and some coming as far as Ontario and New Zealand, scientists, engineers, belly dancers, shoeless hippies, stoned philosophers, and me. Most of the grunt work is done by Woofers but every once in a while they need an extra hand, the food is always really good, the pay is minimal but DP has helped me out in many ways over the years, it's the least I could do.
The last few times I've been up there its been a little warmer weather, I hope it doesn't snow, all the habitats are geodesic domes covered in canvas and the "leave no trace" rule is very much in effect, so everything is heated by wood fire or cuddling. Keep in mind, its the adult in me that says I don't want it to snow, but the little girl in me really wants to see snow for her first time... yes, I've never seen snow, theres a picture of me making a snowman when I was like 3 years old, but I don't have any clear memories, so this might be my first time if it keeps as cold as it has been.
I do spend quite a bit of my time working on the PC's (computer knowledge around a bunch of Woofers is priceless) in the somewhat out of place McMansion they built, but the work usually entails building more of the domes for various purposes. There's an aspect of roughing it though, my friends satellite phone is pretty much the only means of communication outside of a town about 30 mins away that thankfully has a wifi connection. It's funny that class even exists in this kind of environment, I've slept in one of the nicer domes and shower/shave in the house, just because I'm better connected and have skills outside of your average Alexander Supertramp.
I'm packing my suitcase, taking pretty much every sweater I own, 2 bambinos for nighttime and a bag of Tenas to wear during the day, and my pink clothie with plastic panties. I'm leaving my cincy bear behind because I don't want him to get dirty, but I know i'm going to miss him. I also have on one of my last Abri-Forms for the 4 hour drive, DP has heated seats so I'll have a very warm bottom for the trip! Everyone up there either knows me already, mostly as a diapered, transgendered blogger/videographer. If they didn't already, word gets around quick, and everyone is super-ok with my kinky self, this is the kind of place where freak flags are flown. There's supposed to be quite a few more people there now so I hope I still get a warm reception. I still will be diapered all the time, I talked to my friend and he told me there would be a means to dispose of my dirty diapers, an embarrassing question that I had to ask, probably the first big lump in my throat since I started wearing diapers indefinitely.
I will leave you now, I'll be back on the 12th of this month, but you wont even know I'm gone, i'll post this and then whatever I write when I get back at roughly the same time. If all goes well, i'll be going to bed in a comfy cloth diaper after 9 days of constant diapers. Hopefully all the natural living won't make me forget how lovely the internet and plastic backed didees are : )
**p.s. sorry about the lack of visual media on here, look forward to more videos and pictures when I get back!
**p.p.s - yes, my next post is going to be called "beyond thunderdome"
Enveloped in dry comfy cloth is how I woke up this morning, nothing eventful today really, went through a bunch of those small tenas, maybe 5 or so, I have a bunch of them, but I kinda need to slow down my consumption, but they also dont really hold much... i think i drink too much water maybe.
A good friend is having some photos hung at an art gallery, I used to see noise musicians there it at an event called audio waffle, where they play ambient noise music all day and eat waffles. I got all dressed up, put on my best hipster artist get-up and my grimy old pumas and I'm ready to go chat it up with some downtown artist types. It should be good, I put on a small tranqulity ATN, its slim enough to fit under my jeans but I still definitly know I'm wearing a didee :)
I'll let ya know how it went, this is my first Saturday diapered, I'm sure I'll come out with my social life intact :)
Read this first, or here's a quick summary - I've worked at Target for around a year, I had been threatened and assaulted by customers so I quit for a while and transferred stores. Our story begins as I start my first day at my new store, dressed cute (of course) and excited to start...
Happily hired, I was sitting in the office of my new Executive Team Leader, my boss, just about to go out on the floor for the first day of work at my new Target. I wanted to make sure I was plenty cute and proper so I asked where the employee restrooms were. I was told that there were no employees restrooms, gender-neutral or 'family' bathrooms, this was not good, I panicked a little in my head. My last store had single room bathrooms in the back, I thought every Target did, or at least had a family restroom due to the fact that the place is packed with kids all day, but no, nothing. A Mens room and a Womens room at the very front of the store, right next to the cash registers where at just about any time of the day 25+ people are just standing around.
To be honest, I was worried at first, but for the first few months I wasn't getting many hours and whenever I went to the stores around the Target I was always able to use their restrooms whenever I needed. There were a couple times when I took breaks early or was late to return because there was a line or something to the Peet's Coffee bathroom, but I never really stressed out until very recently. I've been keeping healthier and working longer shifts, and the hormones are starting to have a bit more profound of an effect on me, and part of that being needing to pee more often.
One day about 3 hours into my shift my body decides it really needs to pee, it was a hot day so I was drinking water, nothing out of the ordinary. I'm by myself in Electronics, the other girl was on lunch and so I walked to see if anyone else could cover. No one responded, so I just waited, crossing my legs, keeping my hands busy until I could get covered. Half an hour of doing the "potty dance" and she finally comes back, I throw my keys at her and head over to Peets, the bathroom has a huge line. CVS? Bathrooms locked, took the lady 5 minutes to unlock the door to the out-of-order single-room restroom. Someone has the keys to the AMPM bathroom, and I've been gone for 20 minutes on a 15 min. break so I call work from my cell, tell them I'll be back eventually, and I'm literally at risk of wetting my pants at this point and my kidneys feel like someone did the Eagle Claw on them like that old Danny Bonaduce infomercial.
I'd like to clarify a couple things in this story, a little background I guess. I can't use public restrooms. I've been harassed, stared at, threatened and followed for using public restrooms, being called out in a women's room is a big fear for transgirls, a worst nightmare situation. I also worked with 300+ men and women, many I didn't know and many pretty tough and not accepting of trans-people, these individuals ignored me, and I considered to be on friendly terms with everyone there, but I used the women's room one time there around when I first started, and saw a 180 in many of the women's behavior around me, one more time and I could end up in a creek again. It's clearly not a safe situation, no matter how well I pass as a girl, that's why they have gender neutral restrooms!!!
The other thing is a little obvious, but I love diapers, I love wearing them, wetting them, I fantasize about losing control, bedwetting etc. But this is real life, not a fantasy, and I wasn't thinking anything about wetting or anything, all I wanted was a toilet. I'm expecting people to E-mail and say that the solution would be wearing a diaper, but I still have never found a diaper I could 100% trust, plus I would go from wearing cute clothes to bulky formless clothes because I would have to wear a Abri-Form or something. Diapers are not a real-life solution for this problem, and my recent need to pee more isn't due to "untraining", but now that I'm not working directly with the public anymore, that might be an idea, but I don't know if I ever want to go through what I did at work, I seriously think I damaged my kidneys.
I walked a couple blocks further to a Panda Express and made it clear that I NEEDED to use their restroom, and they let me, even though they forced me to buy a 3$ SOBE. I walked back to work feeling light, and still feeling like I kinda needed to pee, but more than anything I felt angry with target for not having a bathroom. I walked to the back office after being gone for close to an hour, and walked directly to my bosses office and gave him a "ok, time for a talk" look. I told him my issue, and after almost a month of emails, calls, meetings, reports, I quit. The best thing they could come up with was every time I wanted to use the restroom they'd clear it out and have someone stand by the door, which is not cool. I have an interview with OSHA about this on Feb. 25th 2010, the earliest they could get me in, and haven't pursued anything legally, I've done research on my rights here, and I'm pretty sure there's nothing I can do.
So I left, I was making minimum wage plus 10 cents, I was starting to get some pretty stalker-esq customers who would come in looking just for me, and people who just act pervy and creepy. I guess that's just part of being a woman, but being a trans-girl makes it that much more dangerous. I had also been threatened by a group of big teenagers that comes into the store all the time, which makes me sound pathetic, but I'm pretty small and kids these days are pretty vigilant. I'm an unemployed girl right now, but I've got big things in store, and look forward to seeing this site flourish, as well as myself. I'm probably in the worst financial situation I've ever been in, but I'm starting to really explore my life, my future, my sexuality and my creativity more than ever. So needless to say, adversity breeds inspiration, and I'm going to overcome all the bad stuff, the drama, the fear, its all over now and things are just going to get better and better!
I found this instant sub at Target, if a sale item runs out they print an instant substitute for a similar item, so budgeting folks can still get sale items. This one I found to be a little interesting/brutal, they're basically saying if Target's out of Poise Pads, the kind that goes in panties for mild incontinence, you can still get the bed pads, which are the giant "puppy pads" that you sleep on in case you have a leaky diaper. That's pretty bad, its like if they had a sale on tampons and they substituted them for shop towels. Anyway, just something I noticed, and something I could phone-post.
Check out letsgetsrs.blogspot.com, there's some new stuff on there and look forward to a big post soon about my first hand experiences about my love/hate situation with Target...
Here's a picture from last night of Robert Picardo and I. Very nice guy, modest.
I've been a part of this film festival since its conception and it's gotten progressively more and more swanky. I was looking very cute, mixed and mingled at a classy bar, I've been involved in everything from having my short film featured to running discussions to cleaning the popcorn machine. I had a good time, but my body is feeling the alcohol, i kinda fell off the wagon last night, I haven't drank since I started the hormones. I dated one of the festival directors, we've got a love/hate relationship and theres good deal of hostility but we keep it cordial. There was a decent chance I was going to sleep with him last night, I feel bad that I didn't but would have felt worse if I did, I've known him since I was 14, I think him, free cocktails and insecurities lead me to this nasty hangover, and I can't mentally or physically afford to do that anymore. I haven't posted in a week, i'm overwhelmed by the internet right now, getting more negative feedback than I expected from my new site. Them's the bricks, more stuff soooooooooon
This site is talking about me, but babel fish wont give me any answers, just extremely rough definitions. They seem to be quite fascinated by my second frog and toad video, and it makes me realize that AB/DL people span the globe,and that other countries are just as open to their curiosity of it, and the media is just as open to exploitation for a few laughs/website hits.
As P.T. Barnum quipped, "any publicity is good publicity" - I agree, as long as it doesn't get me killed.
Name: Riley K. Home: United States About Me: I started this blog to share some of my life with my fellow AB/DL and transgendered people, and anybody else that wants to go outside the box a little bit. I live every day as a girl and I've been doing this blog for over 2 years! Read More
