A blog about turning into the person I've always been
Thursday, January 28, 2010
hearts and wallets
Hey there! Sorry for keeping you waiting, I've been scrambling to make rent this month and running all around town. I've sold my digital still camera and my big lovely monitor, I still had the receipt for this awful Logitech wireless keyboard mouse combo I bought for 30$ at Target a while back, it was the one thing I got rid of that I actually wanted to, the signal reach is literally 5 feet. I'm back with my wrist destroying but familiar giant keyboard and just a basic little optical mouse. When I returned the keyboard to my old Target, it was nice seeing the friends I made there, I was told I looked cute on multiple occasions by some of the girls there that were totally yougogirl! about my transition, which is always lovely, and it reminds me that I left with a good reputation and my head held high. I was always so afraid to be feminine at Target. Now that I'm not forced to be around the less than transfriendly Target employees, I'm just a girl shopping. I just wish they had a gender neutral restroom, I honestly liked working there, helping old people find stuff and I always surprised people with my "Techknowledge" (the name of my old company, catchy right?) The good thing is I'm less than a month away from my OSHA interview about Target, so hopefully I can raise some red flags for making family bathrooms standard in places like Target.
Anyway, this post is about a sex machine, that was given to me by a good friends girlfriend, we named it Bender because its a fun loving robot that likes to get down. I highly recommend you check out letsgetsrs.blogspot.com for the full story. Above is the short little video, the PG video, I probably seem a little different because I was pretty nervous about showing it off, I was always taught to keep my sex toys hidden away. I was giggly, excited, and a little embarrassed all at the same time, a silly little girl showing off her cool new toy. I may call it a "sex toy" but the one time I played with it, the line between "Bender" elaborate dildo and boyfriend blurred a bit.
From my summation, theres only 2 types of mechanical stuff thats involved in sex, i'm talking ore of the method than the device, using my machine as an example. I'd say its an even split between enjoying seeing/controlling the speed of someone getting used by a machine, the impersonal factor of a machine on a person seems to be an effective method of submission, pretty popular on many adult sites. This is with bondage sounds like heaven, I think the used slave roll is pretty hot but unfortunately I've only had access to the second kind of robo sex, which is somewhere between "I'm lonely and horny and want to imagine someones there with me" and "a new, complicated thing I can put in my bottom? Awesome!".
As I said, I tried it out, it was strange, and it ended up breaking it (we ended up breaking up?) right after making the video, I think I might be able to fix it, I'll be sure to ask you guys if I can't, but it sounds like a fun little project, getting the sex machine back working. I was really hoping to do something artsy with it, put a big hand on it and point to an event or something. Fortunately, there's a video of my first and only time with the machine on my private youtube (for donators and special friends only) and it came out a little... interesting, it was more of an experiment caught on tape than a sexy video I pretty much look and act like a virgin. I've been doing much more filming and editing, I generally just edit and upload anything interesting I shoot, and I shoot some pretty interesting stuff sometimes, including but not limited to wet and sometimes messy diapers, playing with my toys, both cuddly and sexual, bondage,
I think I'm a good girl, both RileyKilo.com and letsgetsrs.blogspot.com are and will always be ad free, I'll bring things up once in a while but only stuff I like, and always let me know if I've led you astray. I need some donations to literally pay rent this month, so like, within the next few days would be a great time to send a paypal donation, the link to my paypal is right under my profile on the top right of the site, it takes credit cards and it really easy to do, it helps me out so much.
I really thought I would be good this month, but I finally caved in and applied for unemployment, and its been a huge hassle since. I've never even considered unemployment as an option, I'm not saying it bad thing, a wise friend told me I payed taxes so I deserve it. I've worked since I was 15 and a half and the few times I was in between jobs I did PC consultation, mostly just teaching old ladies how to use computers and cleaning off spyware. I worked with friends, did promotion gigs, all short torm stuff just to make it month to month. I don't do the consultation too often these days, alot of Mac's around here and big firms for PC repair, I accepted that my little business had been crushed by the big man years ago. I do get a response now and then, but not since early December, christmas is tough, and I'm done home theater installation millions of times. I love riding my bike, but for long distances I'm a hitch-a-ride from friends kinda girl, public transportation around here is downright dangerous.
Unemployment was the only real option to me, most of the people I know in real life are struggling financially as well. Literally for the last 2 months I've been calling the unemployment office now and then everyday, trying to get home, until I eventually went to the office and told me to do it all over the phone. I was so angry because I had called and they said they'd send me letters with a appointment date, and the date was for March. Since then I've sent stuff back, letters, calls, emails, everything. I went into the EDD a couple days after getting the letter, and was told that to keep calling the phone line. So I've been doing that non-stop, I have skype so I can call over and over again, and its ALWAYS busy, its ridiculous. Since I've gone in, its almost turned ugly, because a lady read off of what she said was the official sattement that I did not make a strong enough effort to stay with the organization... they just dont get it, and once I talk to another person who can actually do something about it, I'll be able to explain my situation.
I still buy all my own food and stuff, and get alot of stuff from my neighbor who works at an organic farm much more legitimate than the one I've worked at. I don't think I could ever go on EBT, or food stamps, but I just haven't done it yet, I feel like thats the worse case scenario, and I'm not there yet, It has to do everything with my mom going through her whole adult life without gov. assistance, taking care of my brother and I on her own, with checks and help from Dad now and then. Of course, my childhood would have probably been cooler if we had more money, but pride is pride, I kinda feel the same way, but some people do need assistance, and some good people I know have used it when needed, then went onto normal, decent paying Many times I've gone to unemployment or the welfare office (where I worked intake for about 6 months) and thought about signing up, I just never have, I've just chickened out and now that I'm actually at a point where I'm having a really hard time getting hired and NEED unemployment, I get a big read DENIED stamp
I know that everything is getting better soon, I'm going to be posting more stuff as often as I can... oh wow, as I was writing this post, at 10:22 PST I was called and offered a job an establishment I applied at a few weeks ago, a job I was very excited about. It's not a huge money-making job, but it's doing something i'm good at and enjoy doing, at a very cool, hip, place. It looks like I'll be able to have a steadier income after all, I am bouncing off the wall right now happy. It's so funny, I've been pouring my guts out, pleading for you help, and right before I post, someone calls and saves the day. I have training tomorrow night, and I start on Saturday... amazing! I do really need some nice looking feminine attire, I have a couple cute outfits, but I really want to impress these people, where I'm going to be starting is a pretty swanky place, I don't really want to give away any info for fear of anything jeopardizing it, but it's minimum + tips, in a transfriendly environment from what I've seen, it'll be nice to get more into the public light, as I mentioned, I miss customer service! Oh, and the bathroom set-up gets the Riley stamp of approval, no more potty drama! I still will be diapered at work, but most likely will stay dry during my shifts, I love diapers, but I also love being able to financially support myself.... oooooo sooooo excited!
Unfortunately, I'm not going to get paid for weeks, so paypal donations are still accepted and desperately needed!If you're curious what you get with your donation, just E-mail me, but it comes down to the more you donate, the more you get... videos, private requests, the too-hot-for-youtube stuff. I also have a private webcam so I can do shows or whatever you'd like this cute little girl to do, you know how playful I can be. If you really want to get a hold of me, donating is the best way to catch this little girls eye, and I'm always chatting, sending new stuff and making videos with my "inner circles" ideas. Keep checking back for more stuff, and if you can send a donation, please do! This little girl needs a helping hand right now, things are going to be better than ever once I get over this little unemployment hump and back to work, but until then I'm hoping someone out there can afford to help me get closer to being the bright, shiny and successful woman I know I can be!
Wish me luck for training tomorrow, and I think I'm in such a good mode I might dig up some extra cute pics for this Happy Day... oh, and I'm still in diapers 24/7, and very wet girl right now :)
Oh, and much love to my readers! If you read this post in its entirety all I can say is...
p.s. Spiros a diuretic and maybe its placebo or happiness or green tea thats making me wet so often, but i'm looking forward to being a growing, soggy little girl :)
p.p.s. the right click on my mouse stopped working so if anyone needs any properties for anything you'll have to wait
In this post I mentioned that I was starting to go 24/7. It's been 10 days and dozens of diapers and I'm still padded and confident that diapers are for me. I apologize for waiting this long to post any update of my "progress", I didn't want to get myself excited and over confident, and then back out a week in. I'll be catching up with current posts, I've been writing a diary since I started, this is my entry for Dec. 4th, my first day in diapers...
Dec 4th, 2009--------------
I woke up in a dry diaper, good sign, it was nice waking up in something I didnt have to immediatly change/wash, I woke up and changed out of my pretty pink clothie that Tommy made for me, I took a nice warm shower, dried off before the cold could get to me. I put some A+D ointment on my smooth diaper area, and put on a Small Tranquility ATN. I really did it up for this diapering, its usually just a quick thing when I diaper myself, but I got out my Paci, and cuddled with my bear and put my diaper on just right, it feels so right and makes me really happy to be a crinkly padded girl :)
All little girls need to grow up, I slipped a pair of jeans over my small diaper, this would be a picture of me in a small ATN, they fit me pretty close and have held some really heavy wettings before, but once they're wet they need to be changed pretty quickly, sitting down will get you in trouble and they're risky under a pair of size 3 jeans. I went out, breaking rule #1 of true 24/7-ism, I ran some errands and didn't have any tea that morning so I didn't feel a great need to wet until I returned hours later to my apartment, where I got the hand on the door syndrome. When I get home or near home, or even the promise of a close-by restroom, I often realize I need to go, a lot. I came inside and put my things down, I wanted to get out of my pants before I soaked them, but I really needed to go... so I wet, and leaked. I grabbed an absorbent puppy pad thingy to stand on and wet my jeans with my head down, sucking my thumb.
I undressed and hopped in the shower, dissapointed in myself that I leaked so early, pretty disheartened by the whole experience, I was having a nice afternoon before that and it kinda got me down. I'll have to get used to accidents, and my confidence was quickly re-instated by another very cuddly diaper change. I recently put colorful animals all around my bed so my room has a real cutesy look to it now, just a few wall appliqués sure make a girl feel special. I spent some time cleaning up the house in a depend, something that is comfy and makes me happy but would only really wear around the house, depends count as play diapers. When I did the kitchen, the running water made me wet, and I was in the depend for not very long. I changed into a Tena and went out for the evening, yet again not totally prepared to wet, but at least still diapered.
I came home late, while I was brushing my teeth and washing off my make-up I wet my Tena, but I was wearing tights and a wool turtleneck dress so I wasn't worried about leaking. I'm occasionally event staff for a local venue, I'm lucky to get 2 shifts a month but when I do I get to dress up all pretty and schmooze with Sacramento's finest, and I could really use the money right now. I'm about to goto bed, I feel girly and clean and refreshed, all ready for bed, I changed out of the wet Tena and put back on the cloth diaper I didn't wet last night, I put more powder on even though it was already really powdery, I smell and feel really pretty right now.
It's been a long day, and I didn't really feel like it was that big of a deal, but I always kept a change with me in case i wanted to wet, I think I was a good diapered girl, I get a star for today! Do I think I'll stay diapered tomorrow? For sure, I'm totally motivated and I guess you wouldn't be reading this if I didn't go through with it. Ni Ni and heres to my first diapered day :)
This post is to help clarify some parts of my experience that I feel need clarification.
As most of you know, starting the morning of Dec. 4th, I decided that from now on I'm going to be diapered. It's generally called 'going 24/7' in the ABDL community, and it's pretty much the holy grail for folks like us, to always smell slightly of baby powder and have a constantly padded bottom. But nary has a little one who quest for the grail stayed in diapers forever, and some noble diapered folks have a similar but different quest, to become incontinent, but ay, this is not my quest. Sorry, I'll cut out the Monty Python talk; this is supposed to be about clarity.
I'm not exactly trying to become incontinent. I've tried in the past, I get that desire to feel totally out-of-control of my wetting, to be a little bed wetter and to NEED diapers. I've read guides on how to do it, and followed them to a T, until I eventually get overwhelmed by all of the make-believe stress of that kind of lifestyle. My bodies going through a lot of changes right now and diapers are part of that, they help me stay focused, feel girly and keep all of my boy parts hidden away, being incontinent is part of that, but it's not a requirement. I still dream of being incontinent, but for now I just need to get comfortable with always being diapered, and then move onto following the rules. These are the rules that I would need to follow to start my real journey to incontinence; I feel these are vital in attempting that... I present Rules, and how I've broken them.
Rule 1.) If you are in diapers, you MUST be able to wet them with confidence.
This is the most important and toughest rule. Especially with the hormones, I'm starting to blossom both emotionally and physically, and I kind of want to be able to put on a tight pair of jeans or a cute but short skirt and go out with friends and not have to worry about changes and wearing something bulky enough where it can stand wettings, it's nice to be able to show off now and then. In these 'formal' situations, job interviews, family gatherings, anytime where leaking wouldn't just be embarrassing, but devastating as well. I'll still be diapered at these times but generally nothing bigger than a goodnite or a small ATN or even just a little girl pull-up, I generally call them either protection diapers (ones I feel comfortable in) or play diapers (panties with a little padding). So basically, I'm in diapers 24/7, I just sometimes wear things that I can't wet with confidence.
Rule 2.) If you have to wet, wet, regardless of anything.
Like any good list, Rules 1&2 parallel each other, this just basically means that once you're in the 24/7 mindset, the second you get the signal in your brain that you might need to wet, just let it happen. Don't force it or anything, just don't let your reflexes keep you from wetting. This is the way to truly train your body to get used to wetting, and when I hold it in I feel I'm taking a step back in training my body to getting used to diapers. This is probably the strictest rule, because it means that if you are out of diapers for any reason, you have to wet, this means peeing on the floor if you haven't diapered up yet, or wetting a diaper that's about to leak because4 you haven't had a chance to change yet, this is generally why public accidents happen to the 24/7. How am I ignoring this rule? I haven't taught my body to get into a pattern of wetting, my bladder still fills up then asks me if I want to void, as opposed to a bladder that's used to always wetting on the first sign, one that never fills all the way and therefore has shrunk, it just fills a little then voids, so I never have to worry about flooding my diapers, the leading cause of leaks. As I mentioned in Rule 1, I'm also not always properly diapered, so I'm not going to wet on first impulse if I'm just in a goodnite and out and about, I need to further my conditioning if I'm going to follow this rule.
Rule 3.) Put away/sell/burn all of your non-diaper friendly clothes and undies
This rule is oftentimes the one people regret the most in following, the idea is to put on a bulky diaper and then put on all of your clothes and if it doesn't fit or hide the diaper well enough, lose it. It's a statement that diapers are it from now on, and why have clothes that you can't wear? As I mentioned before, I still do like dressing sexy and formal here and there, so this is out of the question. On the other hand, next time I do go shopping I'll be sure to wear a decent sized diaper when I try on bottoms so I don't buy something that makes diapers impossible. I'm pretty thin and don't have much of a posterior, and a smaller but still protective diaper can def round out my bottom. Just think since Diapers are my underwear, and a pretty pink pull-up diaper is like a sexy piece of lingerie and my granny panties are the big bulkier plain diapers. As an added note, a pair of kids' pull-ups works better at hiding my boy parts better than any gaff or tape or anything!
These are the big 3 rules for going incontinent, and as you can tell, I'm going 24/7-lite. I'm not messing my diapers, I get an enema once a week and that's it for messing, that's just too much for me and I doubt that there will ever be a point in my life where I will want to lose control of that aspect of my continence, that's a bit much. I'm getting used to always being in diapers, and these rules might someday be things I follow 100%, I'm following the rules whenever I can, which probably comes to 70% of the time.
All in All, I'm not dedicating myself to a life of incontinence until I'm in a place in my life that is conducive to that and have decided its right for me, which might not ever happen. For now, I'm getting used to being in diapers indefinitely, both mentally and physically, and I'm glad I have someone to share it with. Thanks for reading and stay diapered; I promise I will too :)
The world I woke to was cold and wet, my comforter, sheets, nightshirt and ego fell pray to a leaky diaper, and I quickly realized I had wet the bed again. I cuddled with my pillow for a second, shivering and vulnerable, it's been cold the last few nights, and my apartment doesn't keep heat well. I didn't drink a abnormal amount of water, no alcohol, not even my usual chamomile tea. I que'd up some futurama episodes and curled up on my bed, I was wearing my pink nightshirt and a little princess pull-up, I was feeling very girly (look below for a pic of my bedtime attire). Me and my bear fell asleep above the crinkle of my bedwetting sheets, cuddled up in my big warm comforter... only to wake up wet and cold.
I goto bed diapered every night, but that doesn't mean I goto bed protected. As I've mentionioned before, I've had a ton of trouble finding a diaper that works for side-sleepers, and so wearing a diaper to bed usually ends in a leak, and summertime I couldn't wear big-bulky diapers to bed. I've wet the bed maybe 10 times this year, only 1 of those times I could possibly attribute my "accident" to Pabst Blue Ribbon, and one to cold medicine, but those shouldn't guarantee me wetting the bed, I don't think Nyquil would sell as well if "bedwetting" was in the side-effects. All the other times were just random, me sleeping through wetting. I also occasionally goto bed in an already wet diaper, and woken up with an even wetter one, so who knows how many times i've actually wet the bed.
I've had a couple ideas about how to manage my bedwetting, and I'm going to have to be more responsible about this. I have a bedwetting sheet, I've switched beds since I got it, so it fits, just not very well. I was never really confident in it, even when it was on a proper size bed it would leak through the material into the matress, which kind-of defeats the purpose. I love the crinkles of it, but it hardly works, and even if it doesn't leak through to the mattress, I still have to lug everything down to the laundromat... ugh.
If i'm going to feel safe at night, I have to wear the right kind of diapers. Goodnites, or any pull-up for that matter, doesn't hold enough/fit right for bedwetting. I've leaked many Depends, and the Small Tenas I usually wear during the day aren't bulky enough to really hold up. So I'm pretty much stuck with Bambinos, ABU's, Abri-Forms, Tranquilities, Molicare and maybe some of the bulkier Attends, or foreign Tenas. As many of you know, these diapers aren't cheap, so I can't really afford to put on a brand new "premium" diaper everynight just in case I wet.
Luckily, I just realized that I could just wrap myself up in a comfy cloth diaper every night, wear plastic panties over it in case I leak and just take it off in the morning. I only have 2 cloth didees, so the downside is once I'm in them, I can't really wet or else I'm stuck without a diaper until I do laundry, which itself is pretty darn expensive. If I'm diapered, I dont like to restrict myself from wetting, but I also don't want to keep waking up wet, cold and soaked.
I've come to realize that the reason why I leak is that my bodies not in a good wetting pattern, it builds up as I sleep then releases all at once, soaking the diaper. I wear diapers during the day pretty often, but not 24/7, due to the constant diaper changes I have to deal with with the Small Tenas I wear and I have a somewhat limited supply of diapers at the moment, but mostly because I haven't committed to 24/7... but I think it might be time to do so. I've gone 24/7 in the past, and its been wonderful, but never for more than 3 weeks or so. I also don't have a desire to go 24/7 wet and messy, due to roommate courtesy and that just really isnt my thing right now. I also am not really setting out to be incontinent, I just think being in diapers all the time is whats best for me. As an added note, the next step in hormones for my transition, Spiro, is a diuretic so I'm going to be peeing more often than I ever have, another point for diapers.
I asked Mistress Penny about this, and her answer just makes me more confident this is right for me. She said that when I'm diapered, I have a different way about me, I act more confident, secure, I have a healthy glow about me when i know I'm safe, comfy and diapered. She also was a little disappointed at how little I wear these days, she knows that little girls like me need their diapers, and there isn't any reason why I should always have a padded bottom. Mistress Penny is going to help me stay consistent, we're going to work out some rules and punishments for me to follow. As her sissy I do whatever she says and having a dominant force over me, especially one so experienced in keeping girls like me diapered, is definitly going to help me adjust and get through the difficult times, the leaks, embarrassment, and the overall mental adjustment it takes to realize that I'm in diapers for good.
So starting today, I've been a little upset and out of diapers for most of the day, but I'm going to try the cloth diaper thing tonight, and get together all my diapers in an orderly fashion, head to Target and pick up some more diaper rash cream and cloth stuffers, and I'll start tomorrow morning refreshed, the first diapered day of the rest of my diapered life.
Read this first, or here's a quick summary - I've worked at Target for around a year, I had been threatened and assaulted by customers so I quit for a while and transferred stores. Our story begins as I start my first day at my new store, dressed cute (of course) and excited to start...
Happily hired, I was sitting in the office of my new Executive Team Leader, my boss, just about to go out on the floor for the first day of work at my new Target. I wanted to make sure I was plenty cute and proper so I asked where the employee restrooms were. I was told that there were no employees restrooms, gender-neutral or 'family' bathrooms, this was not good, I panicked a little in my head. My last store had single room bathrooms in the back, I thought every Target did, or at least had a family restroom due to the fact that the place is packed with kids all day, but no, nothing. A Mens room and a Womens room at the very front of the store, right next to the cash registers where at just about any time of the day 25+ people are just standing around.
To be honest, I was worried at first, but for the first few months I wasn't getting many hours and whenever I went to the stores around the Target I was always able to use their restrooms whenever I needed. There were a couple times when I took breaks early or was late to return because there was a line or something to the Peet's Coffee bathroom, but I never really stressed out until very recently. I've been keeping healthier and working longer shifts, and the hormones are starting to have a bit more profound of an effect on me, and part of that being needing to pee more often.
One day about 3 hours into my shift my body decides it really needs to pee, it was a hot day so I was drinking water, nothing out of the ordinary. I'm by myself in Electronics, the other girl was on lunch and so I walked to see if anyone else could cover. No one responded, so I just waited, crossing my legs, keeping my hands busy until I could get covered. Half an hour of doing the "potty dance" and she finally comes back, I throw my keys at her and head over to Peets, the bathroom has a huge line. CVS? Bathrooms locked, took the lady 5 minutes to unlock the door to the out-of-order single-room restroom. Someone has the keys to the AMPM bathroom, and I've been gone for 20 minutes on a 15 min. break so I call work from my cell, tell them I'll be back eventually, and I'm literally at risk of wetting my pants at this point and my kidneys feel like someone did the Eagle Claw on them like that old Danny Bonaduce infomercial.
I'd like to clarify a couple things in this story, a little background I guess. I can't use public restrooms. I've been harassed, stared at, threatened and followed for using public restrooms, being called out in a women's room is a big fear for transgirls, a worst nightmare situation. I also worked with 300+ men and women, many I didn't know and many pretty tough and not accepting of trans-people, these individuals ignored me, and I considered to be on friendly terms with everyone there, but I used the women's room one time there around when I first started, and saw a 180 in many of the women's behavior around me, one more time and I could end up in a creek again. It's clearly not a safe situation, no matter how well I pass as a girl, that's why they have gender neutral restrooms!!!
The other thing is a little obvious, but I love diapers, I love wearing them, wetting them, I fantasize about losing control, bedwetting etc. But this is real life, not a fantasy, and I wasn't thinking anything about wetting or anything, all I wanted was a toilet. I'm expecting people to E-mail and say that the solution would be wearing a diaper, but I still have never found a diaper I could 100% trust, plus I would go from wearing cute clothes to bulky formless clothes because I would have to wear a Abri-Form or something. Diapers are not a real-life solution for this problem, and my recent need to pee more isn't due to "untraining", but now that I'm not working directly with the public anymore, that might be an idea, but I don't know if I ever want to go through what I did at work, I seriously think I damaged my kidneys.
I walked a couple blocks further to a Panda Express and made it clear that I NEEDED to use their restroom, and they let me, even though they forced me to buy a 3$ SOBE. I walked back to work feeling light, and still feeling like I kinda needed to pee, but more than anything I felt angry with target for not having a bathroom. I walked to the back office after being gone for close to an hour, and walked directly to my bosses office and gave him a "ok, time for a talk" look. I told him my issue, and after almost a month of emails, calls, meetings, reports, I quit. The best thing they could come up with was every time I wanted to use the restroom they'd clear it out and have someone stand by the door, which is not cool. I have an interview with OSHA about this on Feb. 25th 2010, the earliest they could get me in, and haven't pursued anything legally, I've done research on my rights here, and I'm pretty sure there's nothing I can do.
So I left, I was making minimum wage plus 10 cents, I was starting to get some pretty stalker-esq customers who would come in looking just for me, and people who just act pervy and creepy. I guess that's just part of being a woman, but being a trans-girl makes it that much more dangerous. I had also been threatened by a group of big teenagers that comes into the store all the time, which makes me sound pathetic, but I'm pretty small and kids these days are pretty vigilant. I'm an unemployed girl right now, but I've got big things in store, and look forward to seeing this site flourish, as well as myself. I'm probably in the worst financial situation I've ever been in, but I'm starting to really explore my life, my future, my sexuality and my creativity more than ever. So needless to say, adversity breeds inspiration, and I'm going to overcome all the bad stuff, the drama, the fear, its all over now and things are just going to get better and better!
You know when a new rollercoaster opens and a radio station gets chumps to ride over and over again, only stopping to chug warm mountain dew and spaghetti-o's until everyone's covered in chunder? Well, that's what my life's felt like, and I'm on one of those little breaks. Let me explain the last month of my life, which rhetorically is starting to seem like the first.
I started hormones on July 15th, haven't felt anything significant yet after a month, but I didn't expect to. I started my new blog, letsgetsrs.blogspot.com to a wave of negative reviews from tons of douchebags that would be douchebags regardless of what they do in life, and happened to end up in the transgendered community. I'm not going to stop writing and I can push past the negativity gracefully, I just need a second to digest after I ate all those ugly words. I read all my E-mails and like Ringo Starr, I try to (eventually) answer every last one of them, except the hateful, underaged or unintelligible ones, but I still have to read the bad ones.
Starting hormones meant stopping smoking cigarettes and drinking alcohol, which I was pretty bad about before I started. The first wave of excitement of the hormones made quitting super easy, and the various cravings only come up in social situations. It's terribly true that addiction stems from something beyond just a desire to get high, the second I had that prescription slip all my drug desires seemed to melt away. I had a touch of a relapse after a wake in Cincinnati, the circumstances permitted but I'm afraid something like that could really kill me, I've always been able to hold my liquor but the hormones change everything. My mind seems clearer now and I look back on how crappy and hopeless I used to feel all the time and I'm happy I'm away from that stuff.
I posted about my job recently, but took it down due to my nervousness about being open with some of the more personal details of my life. In early June I worked the last day at the electronics store that was paying my rent, I was sick of the threats, harassment and hostility, it became unsafe for me to come into work. I started hormones with my health-care just before it got cut-off, so my check-ups and hormones are going to be much more expensive this month. Luckily, I've got a great resume and I'm a damn fine employee so I was re-hired at a retail store I had worked before, at a brand new location. I started on the 9th of this month, and am getting decent hours, but I don't get paid until the 28th. I'm actively searching for a better job, I'm making just above minimum, it's pretty hard to get hired as a transgendered person even here in liberal California, but I'm sure I'll get lucky and find the right office.
I'm also considering starting school later this month, at this point it's a no because I can't really afford to do it and live at the same time, but I think going now would be really positive. I dropped out of college after 9 weeks, I took G.E. classes and had no desire to be there. I've always planned to go into video/film, and I'm good friends with one of the film teachers at the local college. I have a few more days to sign up for classes and I've already chosen a nice schedule of classes, I just don't know if I should wait until next term when I can go more financially comfortable. Ugh, figuring out what to do in life is tough, especially if you don't have the advantage of a bankroll.
On top of all that, and the main reason why you haven't gotten a decent update in a few weeks, I've had this pretty barbaric Emachine PC for the last year after my 3.4 athlon motherboard and processor fried, I migrated to this lesser PC and I'm really surprised how much I can do with it. Anyway, my 500 gig HD that I upload videos to has a loose mini-usb port so I can't do anything with it until I tear it apart, I had back-ups of all the good stuff but I don't have access to alot of my data. The worst part is my processor fan on the Emachines went out and my computer ran over night without a fan and without me noticing. I woke up the day after coming back from Cincinnati to a nasty burning smell and a crazy hot heat sink. Its not starting anymore, and I really need to get a new computer. I'm writing this on my roommates ancient laptop.
Life has been full of ups and downs, I still feel happy, girly, and positive. Donations are appreciated more now than ever, you'll get a private video and can make anything you'd like, I still have some diapers to send to special donors as well, and I can send you my Yahoo chat address and we can chat on cam if you'd like to. Thanks for reading and sorry for not getting back sooner but don't fret little ones, I haven't left you!
Here's a picture from last night of Robert Picardo and I. Very nice guy, modest.
I've been a part of this film festival since its conception and it's gotten progressively more and more swanky. I was looking very cute, mixed and mingled at a classy bar, I've been involved in everything from having my short film featured to running discussions to cleaning the popcorn machine. I had a good time, but my body is feeling the alcohol, i kinda fell off the wagon last night, I haven't drank since I started the hormones. I dated one of the festival directors, we've got a love/hate relationship and theres good deal of hostility but we keep it cordial. There was a decent chance I was going to sleep with him last night, I feel bad that I didn't but would have felt worse if I did, I've known him since I was 14, I think him, free cocktails and insecurities lead me to this nasty hangover, and I can't mentally or physically afford to do that anymore. I haven't posted in a week, i'm overwhelmed by the internet right now, getting more negative feedback than I expected from my new site. Them's the bricks, more stuff soooooooooon
Name: Riley K. Home: United States About Me: I started this blog to share some of my life with my fellow AB/DL and transgendered people, and anybody else that wants to go outside the box a little bit. I live every day as a girl and I've been doing this blog for over 2 years! Read More
