A blog about turning into the person I've always been
Wednesday, February 03, 2010
what we do
I'm going to post stuff later tonight, stuff about the new Cushies diapers, but I'm running some errands first and apparently writing this. I was just quickly scanning the internets and found this article about the next chapter in the pimping of the Cyrus children. Consenting adults wearing diapers isn't weird and wrong... this is weird and wrong... c'mon people, let kids be kids, teaching girls that attractiveness and exposing skin is the key to getting what you want and being popular is a crappy way to sell Childrens make-up kits. The salespeople say its good for the kids self esteem but so is wielding an AK-47 and those City of God kids didn't turn out so great. Opie turned out good, its OK to look like a dork when you're a kid, because kids are supposed to learn about family and love as well as develop personality and skills and lifelong friends and learn it's ok to be yourself. Wait until your teens until you learn all about S-E-X, media whoring, controlling men with your looks and just generally exploiting yourself for personal gain, y'know, skanky stuff.
Anyway, I gotta go do stuff, I'll write more soon, don't let it get you down, most everyone thinks this is just as awful as I do, its just reactionary media, and i've fallen prey to it... grrr...
Hey there friends! I'm just going to drop this post on you real quick, I'll hopefully be posting more tonight, but I've been pretty down and out this decade... at least my exterior has been.
Some of my favorite horror movies of all time have been by David Cronenberg, The Fly, VideoDrome, Naked Lunch, Shivers, all movies focusing on disease, destroying/altering of the human body, horrifying and unique sexual acts and depravity... anyway, thats how I feel right now. I feel like I'm in a Cronenburg movie and i'm falling apart... ok, overreacting, just let me tell you how it's been...
Disease - I've got an awful cold, had a touch of the sniffles on New Years Eve so I went to bed early, woke up jut flat-out. This is my Dec/Jan cold, I get one a year, and it comes now... I've just been doing my cold thing, no medicine, just Vitamin C from natural sources and mushrooms and greens in chicken stock and as much exercise as I can handle... usually lasts only a couple days :)
Hot wax poured on face - Got my eyebrows waxed before New Years thinking I was still going out and doing something, it was my first time. See this post to learn more...
Bruised and beaten - Just yesterday I was going for my morning run... first I see a Uhaul truck backed up to the sidewalk, my eyes are then distracted by a very cute yorkshire terrier running around being all cute and happy, distracted enough that I don't notice that the ramp on the Uhaul is down, and I bang my knee on that little are right under the kneecap... almost started crying on these peoples lawn it hurt so bad, now it hurts awfully bad if I even remotely move it. Same thing goes for one of the toes on my right foot, I had my foot accidentally crushed at the home in Arizona moving a couch and it's felt pretty messed up since, I've been noticeably limping.
Devils hands are idle playthings - As you might have noticed, I've eben written more in the past month than I think I have in the past year, at least word for word. I'm really starting to take this site seriously, and that means lots of keyboard/mouse time, which ultimately means my hands are going to take a beating. Again, as most of you already know, my wrists were broken in middle school by being thrown down a flight of stairs by a uber-bully, the first accident to put a nail in the coffin of my programming career. then my left wrist was broken again in 08 in a bike accident perpetrated by a vicious homeless guy, I always imagine the first guy to be the second guy later on in life. My wrists are pretty messed up, it's hard to be on computers all day and since the second accident, I gave up on trying to make a living in any sort of data entry field, or anything where I had to use my hands all day, even this far into this post I'm slowing down and having to take little rests for my hands. I think having a more ergonomically set-up workstation in my home would help, and I've used voice recognition software a little bit, it's a catch-22, I can't use Dragon Naturally Speaking on Windows 7 without spending tons of money for the 10.1 version (can't find a torrent) and the Speech to Text on 7 could really use some improvement, it doesn't touch Dragons accuracy.
That's enough whining for now, I don't feel very pretty and I think you get the point. The other thing is, Is i'm still really happy, being transgendered makes it easy to be happy in a body that you don't like. I feel better after even writing this post, blogging is a very cathartic activity sometimes, hope everyone out there is feeling great... I'm still diapered, more on that soooooooooooon!
This post is about paying people to do things to your body that you would probably have trouble getting your friends to do for free... and no, it's not about 'that'... it's about Salons!
A couple times in my life I've visited salons, always little Asian places, usually a little bit away from my home. Before I had the uncanny ability to not care, I used to think it would be embarrassing to be seen getting a pedicure. Not from a trans-girl perspective but more from a dental work perspective... it's hard to explain, I just don't like being seen having "work done", I feel like I'm being caught with my chassis open. Anyway, I've been to a couple when I could afford it, always just have gotten a pedicure and went on my way, the paints worn off and my feet have grown back... I'm a runner, I should take better care of my feet!
This time I plan to actually keep a better eye on my feet... but this post isn't about feet horror, it's about face horror. I went in and got a pedicure at a place I've never been to before, its the closest to my house so I was hoping to frequent it. Pedicure was nice and long, felt good afterwards and the place was completely empty. The lady there barely spoke english, just enough to get instructions and ask me a question about what happened to Brittany Murphy, apparently I was interrupting her magazine reading. I said I'd come back to do my eyebrows, which I did a couple days later. This was the first time having my eyebrows waxed, I was nervous but excited to get rid of these damn Eugene Levy caterpillars. She took me to the back room, without really saying anything had me lay down, poured hot lava on my face and tore it off, no 123go or words exchanged whatsoever. Just in case you're wondering, it hurts, it hurts bad, I squeaked pretty bad a couple times. but the pain goes away pretty quick. 5 minutes after I lay down, she has me look in the mirror and my eyes are all red and puffy but my brows look more normal, she's got a chart from the 80's with all these different brows on it, mine looked more like the feminine ones... so success?
Nope, like always, life reverts back to fail. My face felt a little sticky (insert joke here) so I asked her if there was some way to take care of that, and again without words she squirts out what looks, smells and felt like handsanitizer and rubs it above my right eye. It stuuung, I was pretty close to grabbing her wrist and pulling her hand away, but I thought she might know best, and we were all alone in the salon too so grabbing this tiny Asian lady would probably be a bad call. It's kinda weird being around such a small person, this woman was 4'10'' at most and probably weighed 80 lbs, I felt like a giant at 5'7'' and 120 lbs whereas I usually feel small around people, most of my friends are bigger than me, I'm usually the little delicate flower... maybe after the Estrogen I can start taking Asian hormones.
Racist comments aside, the conclusion of this story is I have a huge rash on the right side of my face, all around my eye. After the hand sanitizer thing I gave her my 10$ and left, went home and took a shower just as fast as I could. My face felt puffy, I lived the rest of my day out and went to bed feeling awfully girly with my new eyebrows. I woke up and looked in the mirror the next day and almost started crying, I was going to take a picture but forget that, I'm trying to look good, I don't have that much humility. It seriously looks like I tried to eat a piece of pizza with my eyesocket, its sensitive and burny and hurts. Of course, the side that didn't have alcohol put on it immediately after being waxed is fine, it actually looks pretty good, I feel like Harvey fucking Dent right now, half of me is pretty and the other half is melting off, it's not that bad, but still.
Old testosterone Riley would probably have gone into that salon like gangbusters and tried to get my money back, or at least told her not to use that stuff anymore for cleaning off wax, but I'm just going to eat this one and never goto that salon again. I'm going to find out if theres lotions specifically for your face, I use a cleanser, but not lotion, I guess I should get some anyway. Anyway, my face hurts, this post is negative and overtly racist so I'm going to wait until after the holidays to post this, when it's easier to get away with being those things. Hope all is well in the diapered world, and hopefully by the time I post this, my face will be all cute again :)
As ya probably noticed, my youtube got shut down again, this time for good. So if you were freinds with me on there, you can add me again at http://www.youtube.com/user/RileyDia . I'm going to stop so actively using the youtubes, its becoming more and more of a wasteland everyday. It still is the least restrictive site when it comes to file size and is definitely the most popular video site, but I'm going to stop using that as a means to draw people to this site, they'll find it if they really want to. I still have a bunch of my old videos, but this gives me a chance to start over and review some diapers I have in the past with a fresh new look, now that I'm an older, wiser little girl :)
Wow, I slept ALLLL day yesterday, cleaned the house, ran errands, just wore diapers all day, nothing big happened, wore like 5 tenas. Today I woke up at 7 or so, I'm an early riser, theres something in me that makes me wake up at 7 or 8 every morning. When I wake I do this stretch with my feet while laying down where I push out the heels and arch back the toes to relieve stress in the calf muscle. It was so satisfying that I wet my diapers right there, I was lying on my back and I didn't leak, and the comfy-ness of the wet cloth made me feel all smiley and happy, I fell right back asleep. I woke up around 10 in a still warm cloth didee, it was nice :) My ex-boyfriend, the college professor, the one person I've ever given the boyfriend title to, but in public I was generally introduced as his daughter... He used to call me his little furnace, I guess I emit alot of heat, enough to keep a wet diaper warm or contempt for a long-dead relationship.
Sorry, I ran into him tonight at a local film scene mixer, I pretty much just avoid him, he says how good I look and I give him a hug, he sneaks a kiss, and thats it, we return to our separate schmoozes.I didn't dress terribly cute tonight, I was tired and all the faces are familiar, half the room knows me from when I was doing the Tower training videos, aka - 'back in the day'. I wore a Tranquility ATN Small under a pink polo and a black and pink skirt, flats, some blush and eye shadow and a tiny bit of gloss. I was going to leave and meet some friends from the trip at a hookah bar, but my ex handed me a glass of champagne and asked if I wanted to join him outside for one of his imported cigarettes. He knows I don't drink or smoke anymore, but I've been going to the mixer for 8 years, and cuddling up at night with him for 5 of them, its easy to break rules with old friends.
We went out onto the balcony of the Sheraton, it was windy and cold and the pool was covered and furniture stacked. We talked, or rather, he talked, as it often ended up, he always had something to say to either argue or trump whatever you said. I started feeling lightheaded from the cigarette, and I got a little closer to him, for warmth... right? I didn't know what I was doing, but I am a pretty lonely girl, and he was my only one, my mentor, my friend and confidante. I really loved him, but I know we'll never be together again, I just wanted to be close to him again for a minute, that old familiar sting. Things got quiet and I put my head on his chest, his hand found itself on the small of my back, moving me a little closer. His hold moved a little further down, I was looking in his eyes and could tell the exact moment when he realized I was diapered, one of the points of contention in our relationship. We exchange looks, first his excitement to have his arms around his girl again, then a look of disdain over feeling a plastic diaper instead of a little pair of panties, my look changed to a cute/embarressed "well, you know I wear diapers" look, which illicited this response...
"To be honest, I thought you would have grown out of that by now"
I squeeze him hard for just a moment, the kind of hugs we used to give each other, and then I look him in the eyes and say with every ounce of dissapointment in my body, "oh Nathan..." He knows I'm sensitive about my diapers and can be nervous wearing them around him, and i feel extra bad if he talks down to me about them, because he just thinks they're gross and it makes me feel like a pervert. Also, I hate when people think saying "To be honest" before something makes saying something rude ok... grrrrr....
I toss out my champagne into a bush, and walk back inside, leaving him to finish his cigarette, alone and cold without all those shiny happy people to tell him how great he is, then call him a pedo and a bore behind his back. I've always wanted to keep it real, my real self, and never make compromises, and with him I always felt like the bottom line, meaning of life, it wasn't growing and learning for him, it was about amassing control, power, but deep down here's as afraid as the rest of us, maybe even more. All in all, I've been to the mountains and to the big city all in a couple days, the city has much better hors d'oeuvre but the mountains doesn't need lights or makeup, and its harder to get your heart broken.
Name: Riley K. Home: United States About Me: I started this blog to share some of my life with my fellow AB/DL and transgendered people, and anybody else that wants to go outside the box a little bit. I live every day as a girl and I've been doing this blog for over 2 years! Read More
