A blog about turning into the person I've always been
Thursday, January 28, 2010
hearts and wallets
Hey there! Sorry for keeping you waiting, I've been scrambling to make rent this month and running all around town. I've sold my digital still camera and my big lovely monitor, I still had the receipt for this awful Logitech wireless keyboard mouse combo I bought for 30$ at Target a while back, it was the one thing I got rid of that I actually wanted to, the signal reach is literally 5 feet. I'm back with my wrist destroying but familiar giant keyboard and just a basic little optical mouse. When I returned the keyboard to my old Target, it was nice seeing the friends I made there, I was told I looked cute on multiple occasions by some of the girls there that were totally yougogirl! about my transition, which is always lovely, and it reminds me that I left with a good reputation and my head held high. I was always so afraid to be feminine at Target. Now that I'm not forced to be around the less than transfriendly Target employees, I'm just a girl shopping. I just wish they had a gender neutral restroom, I honestly liked working there, helping old people find stuff and I always surprised people with my "Techknowledge" (the name of my old company, catchy right?) The good thing is I'm less than a month away from my OSHA interview about Target, so hopefully I can raise some red flags for making family bathrooms standard in places like Target.
Anyway, this post is about a sex machine, that was given to me by a good friends girlfriend, we named it Bender because its a fun loving robot that likes to get down. I highly recommend you check out letsgetsrs.blogspot.com for the full story. Above is the short little video, the PG video, I probably seem a little different because I was pretty nervous about showing it off, I was always taught to keep my sex toys hidden away. I was giggly, excited, and a little embarrassed all at the same time, a silly little girl showing off her cool new toy. I may call it a "sex toy" but the one time I played with it, the line between "Bender" elaborate dildo and boyfriend blurred a bit.
From my summation, theres only 2 types of mechanical stuff thats involved in sex, i'm talking ore of the method than the device, using my machine as an example. I'd say its an even split between enjoying seeing/controlling the speed of someone getting used by a machine, the impersonal factor of a machine on a person seems to be an effective method of submission, pretty popular on many adult sites. This is with bondage sounds like heaven, I think the used slave roll is pretty hot but unfortunately I've only had access to the second kind of robo sex, which is somewhere between "I'm lonely and horny and want to imagine someones there with me" and "a new, complicated thing I can put in my bottom? Awesome!".
As I said, I tried it out, it was strange, and it ended up breaking it (we ended up breaking up?) right after making the video, I think I might be able to fix it, I'll be sure to ask you guys if I can't, but it sounds like a fun little project, getting the sex machine back working. I was really hoping to do something artsy with it, put a big hand on it and point to an event or something. Fortunately, there's a video of my first and only time with the machine on my private youtube (for donators and special friends only) and it came out a little... interesting, it was more of an experiment caught on tape than a sexy video I pretty much look and act like a virgin. I've been doing much more filming and editing, I generally just edit and upload anything interesting I shoot, and I shoot some pretty interesting stuff sometimes, including but not limited to wet and sometimes messy diapers, playing with my toys, both cuddly and sexual, bondage,
I think I'm a good girl, both RileyKilo.com and letsgetsrs.blogspot.com are and will always be ad free, I'll bring things up once in a while but only stuff I like, and always let me know if I've led you astray. I need some donations to literally pay rent this month, so like, within the next few days would be a great time to send a paypal donation, the link to my paypal is right under my profile on the top right of the site, it takes credit cards and it really easy to do, it helps me out so much.
I really thought I would be good this month, but I finally caved in and applied for unemployment, and its been a huge hassle since. I've never even considered unemployment as an option, I'm not saying it bad thing, a wise friend told me I payed taxes so I deserve it. I've worked since I was 15 and a half and the few times I was in between jobs I did PC consultation, mostly just teaching old ladies how to use computers and cleaning off spyware. I worked with friends, did promotion gigs, all short torm stuff just to make it month to month. I don't do the consultation too often these days, alot of Mac's around here and big firms for PC repair, I accepted that my little business had been crushed by the big man years ago. I do get a response now and then, but not since early December, christmas is tough, and I'm done home theater installation millions of times. I love riding my bike, but for long distances I'm a hitch-a-ride from friends kinda girl, public transportation around here is downright dangerous.
Unemployment was the only real option to me, most of the people I know in real life are struggling financially as well. Literally for the last 2 months I've been calling the unemployment office now and then everyday, trying to get home, until I eventually went to the office and told me to do it all over the phone. I was so angry because I had called and they said they'd send me letters with a appointment date, and the date was for March. Since then I've sent stuff back, letters, calls, emails, everything. I went into the EDD a couple days after getting the letter, and was told that to keep calling the phone line. So I've been doing that non-stop, I have skype so I can call over and over again, and its ALWAYS busy, its ridiculous. Since I've gone in, its almost turned ugly, because a lady read off of what she said was the official sattement that I did not make a strong enough effort to stay with the organization... they just dont get it, and once I talk to another person who can actually do something about it, I'll be able to explain my situation.
I still buy all my own food and stuff, and get alot of stuff from my neighbor who works at an organic farm much more legitimate than the one I've worked at. I don't think I could ever go on EBT, or food stamps, but I just haven't done it yet, I feel like thats the worse case scenario, and I'm not there yet, It has to do everything with my mom going through her whole adult life without gov. assistance, taking care of my brother and I on her own, with checks and help from Dad now and then. Of course, my childhood would have probably been cooler if we had more money, but pride is pride, I kinda feel the same way, but some people do need assistance, and some good people I know have used it when needed, then went onto normal, decent paying Many times I've gone to unemployment or the welfare office (where I worked intake for about 6 months) and thought about signing up, I just never have, I've just chickened out and now that I'm actually at a point where I'm having a really hard time getting hired and NEED unemployment, I get a big read DENIED stamp
I know that everything is getting better soon, I'm going to be posting more stuff as often as I can... oh wow, as I was writing this post, at 10:22 PST I was called and offered a job an establishment I applied at a few weeks ago, a job I was very excited about. It's not a huge money-making job, but it's doing something i'm good at and enjoy doing, at a very cool, hip, place. It looks like I'll be able to have a steadier income after all, I am bouncing off the wall right now happy. It's so funny, I've been pouring my guts out, pleading for you help, and right before I post, someone calls and saves the day. I have training tomorrow night, and I start on Saturday... amazing! I do really need some nice looking feminine attire, I have a couple cute outfits, but I really want to impress these people, where I'm going to be starting is a pretty swanky place, I don't really want to give away any info for fear of anything jeopardizing it, but it's minimum + tips, in a transfriendly environment from what I've seen, it'll be nice to get more into the public light, as I mentioned, I miss customer service! Oh, and the bathroom set-up gets the Riley stamp of approval, no more potty drama! I still will be diapered at work, but most likely will stay dry during my shifts, I love diapers, but I also love being able to financially support myself.... oooooo sooooo excited!
Unfortunately, I'm not going to get paid for weeks, so paypal donations are still accepted and desperately needed!If you're curious what you get with your donation, just E-mail me, but it comes down to the more you donate, the more you get... videos, private requests, the too-hot-for-youtube stuff. I also have a private webcam so I can do shows or whatever you'd like this cute little girl to do, you know how playful I can be. If you really want to get a hold of me, donating is the best way to catch this little girls eye, and I'm always chatting, sending new stuff and making videos with my "inner circles" ideas. Keep checking back for more stuff, and if you can send a donation, please do! This little girl needs a helping hand right now, things are going to be better than ever once I get over this little unemployment hump and back to work, but until then I'm hoping someone out there can afford to help me get closer to being the bright, shiny and successful woman I know I can be!
Wish me luck for training tomorrow, and I think I'm in such a good mode I might dig up some extra cute pics for this Happy Day... oh, and I'm still in diapers 24/7, and very wet girl right now :)
Oh, and much love to my readers! If you read this post in its entirety all I can say is...
Hey there diapered friends! I made a little video hoping to clear up some of the big questions I get about being AB/DL in general. I want some honest opinions on this, I was going to make something a little bit more straightforward and presentation like, but In doing that I ended up using tons of generalizations and wasn't able to really express how I really felt about being an ABDL individual. In any case its pretty lame to bunch people up into catagories, so I just talk about my personal feelings, and hope that that will be a conduit for others to share, or at least identify with.
Tell me what you think, I'm pretty nervous about trying to explain it like this, and I think I use the word "feelings" a bit too much. I was going to do something really straightforward and presentation like, but in doing that I started using tons of generalizations and wasn't expressing how I really felt about being AB/DL. I think this video comes off as more supportive than informative, and if you really think it's awful I'll take it down. I think it's alright, I'm working on some new editing stuff and have been working with a different camera for the moment, this is the first of I don't know how many HD videos, I'm doing some experimenting with it, I need to do some exterior shots to really judge. The HD cam I'm using is just not a great one, but it does shoot in 1080p resolution, albeit a blurry 1080p... not much you can do with a low-end lens even in Hi-def.
I need to re-install a bunch of stuff on my computer, and probably reformat again, but I'll def. post tomorrow. I had a really awesome job interview today and I should know the answer on Saturday, I really think I got the job. Happy day <3
Last night was cool, the art thingy I mentioned in the last post went well, my friend got some good exposure, I didn't wet my diaper until I got home, and had to change immediatly, The ATN's are really absorbant, but they really flood quickly, at least the small does, but the small is SMALL.
The main thought I had on that event last night was something I've mentioned before, and its hugs. If you felt my bottom, or even my side, you could tell I was padded, and that used to scare me so much, that someone would feel that and get creeped out by me. That's so silly, primarily because when I hug my friends, especially an acquaintance, its not a feel party, and it all happens so quick that no one would actually, really notice, and if they did their minds wouldn't jump to diaper. I guess part of growing up is learning that some of your insecurities were just pointless.
Anyway, I changed out of the ATN, relaxed with my friends for a bit and went off to bed in my clothie. Woke up dry, my roomate ran the heater so I was a little sweaty, I'm not used to plastic pants. I went through a bambino for most of the morning until I had to go out, but it lasted a good 5 hours. I'm hoping to do some of that geodesic dome building/farming situation I've done in the past at some point later this week, but I'm not sure when, it's freezing here, It was supposed to snow here, which is totally rare. I'm just going to goto bed tonight all fluffy and diapered and get up and get all pretty to go out for job hunting tomorrow :)
Hey there friends and fans! Though the video explains most of the following, I felt like writing a bit... so here's the video -
I recently purchased some Kotex Personals, a disposable panty made to add protection to pads and tampons. It isn't really a diaper, it's basically a Depend Pull-Up with no absorbent material. We're talking like 1993 for this, and it seems like it wasn't terribly popular, but pants had higher waists back then so it at least got a chance. The packaging is pretty retro as you can see... my camera's been having issues, so sorry I don't have good pics, I got this picture from Ebay where you can actually find a couple places to buy it. I also really like these Ebay pictures where folks just don't bother photoshopping it, it kinda looks like a lifetouch portrait or a prom picture.
I know I'll eventually get SRS, and I'm kinda glad I won't have to deal with "all that", I simply won't have the parts that make that happen. I remember hearing somewhere "Enduring the pain of childbirth qualifies a woman as a mother", and in that case, maybe the pain of menstruation i what qualifies someone as a woman.
This train of thought, clearly, is complete bullshit. 1st off, the "pain of motherhood" thing came from a mid-seventies book called 'The Homosexual Agenda' and was made as an example of why gays shouldn't adopt. Secondly, I have friends that have been on birth control for so long they almost never had the experience of a period. I hear from my female friends fairly frequently that I'm lucky to not have to deal with "all that", but SRS is going to be pretty intense, so maybe we even each other out.
I've always thought the reason why there seems to be less female diaper lovers than male is due to not being able to make the mental disconnect of diapers from "feminine hygiene products". That sentence didn't come across half as well as I wanted it to, but if I were to write a thesis on the matter it would go something like this "A key desire in Adult Baby/Diaper Lover lifestyle is losing control of genitalia related functions similar to what every genetic woman experiences with puberty" That's probably why I don't go to college, because I'd write thesis's like that.
Maybe I'm missing out on a part of womanhood, but I'm not trying to be like other women, I'm trying to be myself and have my own unique experience, but I will always wish to have grown up as a girl. I guess that's what my interest in regression is all about, I get to be the little girl I never got to be. I was a pretty unhappy child, I didn't show it too much but I always felt heavy, sad, nervous, but when I regress I'm happy with the world. Granted, I'm a happy person outside of little-girl mode (not so much lately, but things always get better?), reliving bits of childhood as a little girl brings a feeling that is a little more special than your everyday happiness, the same kind of happiness I expect to feel from falling in love or accomplishing something of worth, two things that I've yet to do.
So lets go over some things...
Regression is good and healthy? Check.
Lucky to not have to deal with all the cramps and bloating and "all that"? Check.
Would I deal with it and more if it was part of the transition? Absolutely.
I'm starting to experience some of the negative "achey" things about being a girl, but its all worth it, I'm sure it'll all be good in the end. Enjoy the video, thanks for reading! Subscribe in a reader
I guess the whole purpose of this post is to explain why I likebondage.
I'm not a fetishist in the sense that I don't NEED anything to enjoy romance/sex. Most of the sex I've ever had has been vanilla, all of the ''relationships'' I've been in have been with people much less kinky than my very kinky self. Before coming out about being transgendered and AB/DL, I dated more than I do these days. I go months without sex, I'm relatively happy by myself, sexually and mentally. I do get lonely.
That's not what this post is about, this is about how much I like being tied up. I at one point was a strong practitioner of Self Bondage but have somewhat lost interest in that. It's lost the thrill after I've done it enough times, and it's kinda hard to take it seriously. I've used some tactics such as freezing keys in ice cubes and using combination locks in a dark room, so I have to wait for the sun comes up to unlock my bounded self. It's fun, but without a partner it does get a bit boring. Adding diapers to the equation makes it much more interesting...
I think many of us who share the same "interests" or "kinks" as I do (bondage, AB/DL etc) fantasize about not having control, especially when it comes to using our diapers. Ideally this would be achieved through a 24/7 diaper regiment and tons of dedication. For those of us that have not attempted, failed, or are currently going through that process, bondage can be a lovely alternative. Though I don't have hardly any experience with experienced partners, the times I have been tied up have been amazing. I love the helpless feeling, the attention, the mystery of whats going to happen next, and the relaxing feeling of an utter lack of responsibility.
I generally use the term "SubSpace" to describe this feeling, its like a mix of riding your bike down a big hill and falling asleep with a teddy bear in your arms. I cried a bit to myself when I was first tied up by another person, diapered in my crib, but it was just a little whimper and made me feel better. I'm blessed with a vivid imagination, and when I'm bound or even just in little girl mode I can kinda astral project to watch myself, and seeing myself this way only solidifies the subspace I'm in. I don't have to be bound, just the right attire or setting can trigger this meditative state. As far as I can tell, this is as close as a person as skeptical and, dare I say, nihilistic, as myself can get to actually meditating, even breaching on the transcendental. I'm not a total nihilist, I'm a sunny-side up nihilist, there are no absolutes and everything is subjective, but as a society and as individuals we should learn all we can, have a great time and be damn sure not to take advantage of anyone. It's this mindset that allows me to explore both ends of the spectrum, both pain and pleasure, fear and comfort, love and loneliness. The hurt makes the healing, and vice-versa.
This is a recollection of my past experiences with bondage, training and humiliation. Thanks for looking back with me, now it's time to look forward. I've been playing around, testing the waters, and now it's time for some real experiences.
We buried a friend in Cincinnati, my old middle school crew and a hundred crying family members. I still know some people from middle school but haven't seen the friend in mention since 04. He moved to Ohio for the later part of High-School, I would see him log onto IM but never messaged, I was so sure we had grown apart that I didn't try to reconnect. When I got the call that he had committed suicide, I was asked to join his family at his funeral in Cincinnati. I guess his parents didn't know how little we were in contact, maybe it just meant a lot to his parents to have people they remember from his childhood around, I was always very polite at birthday parties.
He didn't know I was trans or AB/DL or what music i was into or anything current, he was always very conservative and with him is where I learned to gut and clean a deer, something I've been trying to forget since. For the 5 days I was there I looked like a sharp young man, a funeral for a friend is one of those times where expressing myself isn't important. It was the first time in years, and maybe in my entire life where I was perceived as a man, it felt new and strange, like cross-dressing. I got my suit out of my moms garage and borrowed a tie, kept my pitch low and let my facial hair grow out. On the positive side, I got the ego boost of flirty looks from the local girls and some rock-star treatment due to my tight-jeans California hipster looks and my indie filmmaker reputation.
All of us grew out of our god-fearing child hood except the family of my friend, the services were long and unrepresentative of the person I knew, and for the theologically uninformed, Catholics don't look kindly on suicide. I don't know why he did it, maybe he didn't think he'd actually do it, or maybe he wanted to see how it feels, to have all that pain and then nothing. In middle school we used to talk about how curious we were about seeing heaven, how it would feel and what it would be like, if we were good enough to get in or if it even exists. We used to think of ways to kill ourselves on accident or just die for a few minutes so we wouldn't go to hell but we could still see death, it was always kind of a joke, but with a eerie bit of seriousness about it. On that note, I'm really glad I don't ponder god or the afterlife very often anymore, I'm purely Que SeraSera, I don't have any knowledge or control over god or the afterlife, therefore it will be what it will be. Be a good person because your a good person, not because you're going to get something for it, be it karma or heaven.
After the service and the painful wake, I went out with the guys, watched them throw beers into the river and punch the iron girders of the bridge he walked off of. We got stinking drunk and I had my shoulder cried on by strangers and old friends, brothers fought and made up and some good times were remembered. I stayed for a few days due to a chartered flight, his father was a pediatrician who specialized in critical cancer patients, which explains flying out all his old friends and the ivory casket. It would be tough to have a dad with a depressing job like that, to understand death so early and always have that dark cloud above you, and being born with money I'm sure leaves people with the feeling of nothing to look forward to. Here I am blaming someone, damn grief cycle.
I think I've talked about this enough to have purged whatever needed purging, please no condolence emails or anything, you don't have any idea who this person was, and never will. I've been to many funerals in my time, and death has always been a curiosity for me. I hope I can go a year without one, and why does it always rain? With everything else going on in my life this was a shock, I realize it would have been best for my mental, emotional and financial state to stay home, but I felt like I had to go. I've been so happy lately with the hormones, I needed something to get to me, I'm over balling up sadness and pain, I needed to cry and hug my teddy bear. Things have felt different since coming back, I'm still happy and content, I just feel a little older. This whole experience just goes to show, if life gives you lemons, someone you know might die.
Name: Riley K. Home: United States About Me: I started this blog to share some of my life with my fellow AB/DL and transgendered people, and anybody else that wants to go outside the box a little bit. I live every day as a girl and I've been doing this blog for over 2 years! Read More
